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4 Ways to Regulate Your Emotions to Have Better Conflicts

Managing conflicts in your marriage is less about avoiding disagreements and more about approaching them with a constructive mindset.

One of the main challenges that couples face in marriages is the ability to regulate their emotions while handling conflicts. It is normal to have an emotional response when disagreeing with your spouse.

However, when you do not know how to regulate your emotions and let your emotions control you, you can act on impulse and act in a way you shouldn’t, leading to more harm than resolution.

In this article, I will be sharing on emotional regulation.

For a more comprehensive approach to constructive communication, checkups and conflict management in marriage, I recommend you to grab my effective resource “The 3Cs Guide”.

So let’s dive into emotional regulation: 

1. Take time to respond, not react

When you feel like you need to say it now, take some time to process it. Urgency must be questioned. Urgency is a sign that you are reactive, not responsive.

In any disagreement with your partner, when you feel the need to act urgently, it often comes from a state of heightened emotion. This is more likely to result in you reacting rather than responding.

Reacting is driven by the need to defend yourself, prove a point or retaliate. It is an impulsive emotional act that happens automatically and can escalate conflicts quickly.

Responding is a more thoughtful approach. It allows you to pause and think about the action you are about to take before taking it. When emotions flare up, you often feel the need to say something immediately to correct, defend or express your displeasure. This sense of urgency means you are not in control of your emotions; instead, your emotions are controlling you.

To have better conflicts, it is important to take a step back and ask yourself, “Do I really need to say this now?” or “Am I reacting out of emotion, or can I wait until I’m calmer?”—you create a pause that allows you to re-engage your logical thinking.

Whenever you feel the rush to speak or act, take a moment to breathe deeply. This pause allows your brain to switch from the emotional (reactive) part to the logical (responsive) part.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to delay your response. When you do respond, try to express your feelings using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel upset when…”) instead of accusatory “You” statements, which can escalate conflicts.

2. Think Positive Things About Your Partner

When your thoughts about your spouse go from 10-0 very quickly, take a pause and remind yourself of the positive things about your spouse.

In moments of disagreement with your spouse, emotions can escalate quickly. One moment, you are thinking straight and the next, your emotions are spiralling down the drain.

The person you used to view as loving and caring suddenly becomes a person with all these negative traits. Once you begin to view your partner in a negative light, this mental perception will make it difficult to engage in conflicts rationally.

If you are not careful, you may start to recall past experiences which can heighten your emotional state.

When you feel that quick shift from positive to negative, take a pause. During this pause, it is important to resist the urge to speak or lash out on impulse.

Actively remind yourself of the positive qualities of your spouse to counterbalance the immediate negative feeling you may be having at that moment.

The benefit of doing this is that it shifts your focus away from the negative emotional reaction to a more positive or neutral stance. It prevents you from reacting.

When you pause and reflect on the positive aspects of your spouse, it also helps you build empathy toward them. You remember that they are not just the source of frustration in this moment, but someone you care about and value.

3. Be Accountable for Your Actions Too

When everything you want to do is blame them and tell them how wrong they are. Hold on, look inward and identify what you also did wrong in the argument.

During an argument, the impulse to point out how wrong your partner is or shift the blame towards them usually comes in strong. However, this outward projection usually worsens the conflict because it puts them on the defensive.

Before you know it, you are in a cycle of accusation and counter-accusation showing a lack of emotional maturity.

Blaming your partner can feel like a way to protect yourself from criticism or validate your emotions by making the conflict their fault. This doesn’t solve the conflict in any way.

In moments where you are overwhelmed by the desire to blame, take a moment to reflect on your own behaviour in the argument. Did you contribute to the escalation? Were there things you said or did that may have triggered or worsened the conflict?

Recognizing how you contributed to the conflict doesn’t diminish your feelings or invalidate your perspective. Rather, it allows you to take responsibility for your part, which can help de-escalate the situation.

When you are willing to take responsibility for your role in a disagreement, it shows you are more open to resolving the issue making it easier to communicate more calmly and respectfully.

4.   Be aware of your triggers and reactions

When your voice suddenly becomes louder than normal. Yelling won’t make them hear more. Pause and breathe.

Raising your voice during an argument is an emotional response that shows you are angry, frustrated or feeling unheard. However, it has the opposite effect of what you intend- it makes your partner less receptive, increases emotional tension, and escalates the conflict.

When you yell, it often signals that you’re overwhelmed by your emotions and no longer aware of your reactions. 

The louder your voice becomes, the less likely your partner will receive your message the way you intend. Yelling shifts the focus from the content of what you’re saying to the intensity of your tone, making your partner more likely to focus on your anger than on your message.

Yelling at your partner causes them to mentally clock out making it difficult for them to empathize with you or truly hear your perspective because they’re focused on the intensity of your emotions.

When you start to raise your voice, breathe deeply and take a pause. Instead of being driven by the reactive urge to raise your voice, you give yourself a moment to reset, which can prevent escalation and help you respond with more clarity. It’s called emotional awareness.

Wrapping Up

The key to resolving your conflicts lies in your communication technique as a couple. How well are you able to control your emotions when trying to effectively resolve disagreements through communication?

Gladly, I have broken down these tools and strategies to prevent escalations, unresolved issues and unmet needs in my guide, The 3Cs Guide. The guide is a game changer.

Get the guide here.

Picture of Ruth Esumeh

Ruth Esumeh

Ruth Esumeh is the founder of Ruth’s Marriage, a marriage counseling and relationship coaching company. She is a Certified Marriage Counselor and Therapist helping couples enjoy marriage, God’s way! Follow Ruth on all social media platforms.

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Confidentiality Policy

1. Introduction

At Ruth’s Marriage, we are committed to providing a safe and confidential environment for our clients. This confidentiality policy outlines how we handle your personal information and the limits to confidentiality that may apply during the course of marriage counseling sessions.

2. Confidentiality Assurance

2.1 Client-Counselor Privilege: All information shared during marriage counseling sessions is confidential. This means that your counselor will not disclose any information without your explicit written consent, except as required by law or ethical standards (see section 3).

2.3 Protection of Records: Client records, including session notes, assessments, and any other documentation, will be securely stored and only accessible to authorized personnel as outlined in section 4.

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3.2 Threats of Harm: If you pose a serious threat of harm to yourself or others, we may need to take steps to ensure safety, which may include disclosing relevant information to appropriate parties, such as law enforcement or medical professionals.

3.3 Court Orders: If a court orders the release of your counseling records, we may be required to comply with such an order.

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Before any disclosure beyond the limits outlined in this policy is made, we will seek your explicit written consent, explaining the purpose and recipients of the information to be disclosed.

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We may update this confidentiality policy from time to time to reflect changes in laws, regulations, or our counseling practices. You will be notified of any significant changes.

Cancellation Policy

$50 fee (converted to your currency rate at the point of payment)
CANCELLATIONS AND MISSED APPOINTMENTS

The client is expected to arrive on time for each booked session. A cancelled or postponed appointment slows down our work and might have a negative influence on other clients. Because your appointments include the reserve of time expressly for you, and out of mutual respect for each other and our other clients, postponing or cancelling an appointment requires a minimum of 24 hours’ notice in advance.

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED

This means if your appointment is supposed to be 9am on Wednesday and you wish to cancel, we expect to have received your email by 9am on Tuesday, then we can waive the cancellation fee. If we receive your cancellation later than that, then you will be charged the cancellation fee to have another appointment. Note that if your appointment is on a Monday, the cancellation needs to be provided no later than the prior Friday, by your appointment time, to be considered proper 24-hour notice.

If you can, we would appreciate more than 24-hour notice so that we can make that time available to other clients.

As a result, if you find out before the mandatory 24-hour notice that you will be unable to attend our session, please send an email so that we can fill your slot and place another client in your space who may require it. Counseling appointments are designated exclusively for our clients and are booked in advance. We are unable to cover this time slot by providing it to another client when a session is canceled without adequate notice. The email to send a cancellation notification to is ruthsmarriage@gmail.com

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED

This cancellation policy is only waived in the event of a serious sickness or emergency. Car accidents, family deaths, and severe illness are all examples of emergencies. In this case, if you are not physically able to cancel your appointment, you can get someone to write us an email on your behalf. Our cancellation policy applies even if the missed appointment was unintended. Work-related issues are not emergencies.

Late Cancellation Fees Process: Any session missed due to a cancellation less than 24 hours in advance will be assessed at $50/standard fee. You will be charged even if the cancellation was due to work or if you rescheduled the appointment without adequate notice. We will send you a payment link immediately to pay the cancellation fee before you can have another appointment or continue your sessions.

WAIT TIME GRACE PERIOD

Your wait time is kept to a minimum. Due to the length of time provided for each appointment, it is critical that you arrive on time for your appointments. If you are more than 10 minutes late to your appointment, we will have no choice but to reschedule your appointment and you will be responsible for the $50 fee of a no show. To avoid paying no show fees, we require at least twenty-four (24) hours’ notice for all cancellations (as described above). Both counselor and client have a grace period of 10 minutes.

RECURRING SESSIONS: CANCELLATION FEE PAYMENT ENFORCEMENT

For recurring therapy/counselling sessions, when you miss a session without adequate notice, you will pay the cancellation fee of $50 for that session, before another session. The same standard above applies for each session.

Ruth’s Marriage Counselling Services sends automated email reminders of forthcoming appointments as a courtesy. Whether or not you receive the text or email reminder, it is your sole duty to keep track of and attend any planned appointments/sessions on time. If your phone number or email address changes, please notify us via email.

We appreciate your understanding and our policy is hinged on the fact that a late cancel or no-show hurts at least three people: you, the counsellor, and another client who could have potentially utilized your time slot

THANK YOU

We value you and are committed to your journey, however, we can only accomplish this with your understanding of the obligations set forth in this policy. Time is of the essence in our practice and we encourage good use of time to accommodate more clients who need help. Thank you

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