People tend to avoid conflicts because of how it makes them feel. The hard truth is that conflict is inevitable when it comes to marriage.
Think of it, while growing up, you must have had issues with your siblings, friends or even family. What is important is that we know how to communicate effectively and have healthy conflicts in our relationships.
Earlier in our marriage, my husband and I struggled with communication and this led to heated conflicts in our marriage. Over the years, we have had to work through our marriage and develop tools and strategies that have helped us resolve conflict more effectively. These strategies have also been a game changer for a lot of my private clients in counseling.
In this blog article, I want to help you see why your conflicts become escalated and frustrating, so make sure you follow this to the end
Conflict Triggers in Marriage and how to Navigate them
1. Presenting a Feeling Like a Fact and Vice-versa
Facts are what you know and have confirmed. Feelings are what you are experiencing but may not be a fact. Feelings have to do with human emotions, facts have to do with behaviours.
Facts are based on behaviours or evidence you have observed in your marriage. For example, you may have observed that your partner leaves their socks by the door when they come home from work. Now, that’s a fact.
Feelings, on the other hand, are based on emotions, and how you interpret past experiences. It is neither a proven truth nor a lie. For example, “I feel disrespected when you leave your socks out around the house from work.” This expresses your interpretation of the situation. It doesn’t specifically mean your partner is disrespecting you.
When communicating with your spouse, identify if you’re trying to communicate a feeling or a fact and present it that way. Many marital conflicts are triggered and escalated by misinterpreting feelings as facts.
In my effective resource “The 3C’s Guide“, I have elaborated on this dynamic and more practical guides to help you prevent escalated conflicts
2. Expressing Your Unmet Needs in the Middle of a Conflict or Argument
The best time to express an unmet need is not in the middle of an argument. It is when the two of you are emotionally regulated.
The middle of an argument is never a good time to bring up an unmet need. For example, If the argument erupts when the house is a mess, and you go “You never clean up!” “I cleaned yesterday!” Neither person feels heard, and the underlying needs remain unaddressed.
Instead, choose a time when the two of you are emotionally regulated – a time when both of you feel calm and relaxed for a more productive conversation. In the middle of an argument, there is less emotional regulation and more reaction.
Use “I” statements to express feelings and find a solution together. In addition, you could explain how meeting this need would benefit your relationship.
3. Lack of Clarity in Expressing Your Need
Speaking in circles, making remarks, giving clues, being reactive, without being clear and direct with what you need or are expressing.
When you speak in circles or make passive-aggressive statements instead of being direct with your partner, it triggers misunderstanding and frustration.
Indirect communication implies that your partner should magically know what you need or mean without being told. Except you’re dating a Harry Potter, this unrealistic expectation can be frustrating.
Secondly, unclear messages and vague statements can be open to misinterpretation by your partner. They may not get the message you’re trying to pass entirely and may either miss the message or feel attacked.
Instead of addressing the core issue, you may get caught up in defending yourselves or looking for meaning in hidden messages.
Clear and direct communication is the only way to solve this. Not everyone knows how to communicate properly in a relationship. In the guide, “The 3C’s Guide” I share solid tips on how to ensure you are clearly communication your needs to your partner in a way they will understand. Continue reading to get the link to get the guide!
4. Responding to Your Spouse’s Needs With Yours
Your partner brings up a major need, and then you counter it by bringing up your own major need too. This triggers resentment and a feeling of dissatisfaction in your partner.
Have you heard about the Tit-for-Tat communication? It is a style of communication that creates a sense of competition rather than collaboration. It occurs when you bring up your needs while your partner is talking about theirs.
If your partner expresses their needs first, and you reply with yours, your partner might feel unheard and unimportant. They may build resentment because you’re always pushing their needs aside.
Eventually, this leads to dissatisfaction as neither of you feels like your needs are being fully considered. Then it feels like your relationship is in a loop because the focus is on individual needs rather than finding common ground.
A healthier approach is to acknowledge your partner’s needs and work together to find a solution. Ask questions to understand their needs better and prioritize working on solutions. When a solution has been reached, you can then table your needs.
What Else?
These strategies I share are few of the tips that have worked for my marriage and can work for yours too. If you noticed, we did not just identify how conflicts occur, but steps on how to solve each of them.
It may take a while to build a healthy relationship, but it is always worth it. In the 3C’s Guide, I have elaborated more on these tips, check-ins, effective communication and preventing escalated conflicts. To get the Guide, click this link
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