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Effective Communication and Conflict Guide for Relationships and Marriage: Common Causes of Conflicts in Marriage

Written by: Ruth Esumeh

People tend to avoid conflicts because of how it makes them feel. The hard truth is that conflict is inevitable when it comes to marriage.

Think of it, while growing up, you must have had issues with your siblings, friends or even family. What is important is that we know how to communicate effectively and have healthy conflicts in our relationships. 

Earlier in our marriage, my husband and I struggled with communication and this led to heated conflicts in our marriage. Over the years, we have had to work through our marriage and develop tools and strategies that have helped us resolve conflict more effectively. These strategies have also been a game changer for a lot of my private clients in counseling.

In this blog article, I want to help you see why your conflicts become escalated and frustrating, so make sure you follow this to the end

Conflict Triggers in Marriage and how to Navigate them

1. Presenting a Feeling Like a Fact and Vice-versa

Facts are what you know and have confirmed. Feelings are what you are experiencing but may not be a fact. Feelings have to do with human emotions, facts have to do with behaviours.

Facts are based on behaviours or evidence you have observed in your marriage. For example, you may have observed that your partner leaves their socks by the door when they come home from work. Now, that’s a fact.

Feelings, on the other hand, are based on emotions, and how you interpret past experiences. It is neither a proven truth nor a lie. For example, “I feel disrespected when you leave your socks out around the house from work.” This expresses your interpretation of the situation. It doesn’t specifically mean your partner is disrespecting you. 

When communicating with your spouse, identify if you’re trying to communicate a feeling or a fact and present it that way. Many marital conflicts are triggered and escalated by misinterpreting feelings as facts.

In my effective resource “The 3C’s Guide, I have elaborated on this dynamic and more  practical guides to help you prevent escalated conflicts 

2. Expressing Your Unmet Needs in the Middle of a Conflict or Argument

The best time to express an unmet need is not in the middle of an argument. It is when the two of you are emotionally regulated.

The middle of an argument is never a good time to bring up an unmet need. For example, If the argument erupts when the house is a mess, and you go “You never clean up!” “I cleaned yesterday!” Neither person feels heard, and the underlying needs remain unaddressed.

Instead, choose a time when the two of you are emotionally regulated – a time when both of you feel calm and relaxed for a more productive conversation. In the middle of an argument, there is less emotional regulation and more reaction.

Use “I” statements to express feelings and find a solution together. In addition, you could explain how meeting this need would benefit your relationship.

3. Lack of Clarity in Expressing Your Need

Speaking in circles, making remarks, giving clues, being reactive, without being clear and direct with what you need or are expressing.

When you speak in circles or make passive-aggressive statements instead of being direct with your partner, it triggers misunderstanding and frustration.

Indirect communication implies that your partner should magically know what you need or mean without being told. Except you’re dating a Harry Potter, this unrealistic expectation can be frustrating.

Secondly, unclear messages and vague statements can be open to misinterpretation by your partner. They may not get the message you’re trying to pass entirely and may either miss the message or feel attacked.

Instead of addressing the core issue, you may get caught up in defending yourselves or looking for meaning in hidden messages.

Clear and direct communication is the only way to solve this. Not everyone knows how to communicate properly in a relationship. In the guide, “The 3C’s Guide” I share solid tips on how to ensure you are clearly communication your needs to your partner in a way they will understand. Continue reading to get the link to get the guide!

4. Responding to Your Spouse’s Needs With Yours

Your partner brings up a major need, and then you counter it by bringing up your own major need too. This triggers resentment and a feeling of dissatisfaction in your partner.

Have you heard about the Tit-for-Tat communication? It is a style of communication that creates a sense of competition rather than collaboration. It occurs when you bring up your needs while your partner is talking about theirs.

If your partner expresses their needs first, and you reply with yours, your partner might feel unheard and unimportant. They may build resentment because you’re always pushing their needs aside.

Eventually, this leads to dissatisfaction as neither of you feels like your needs are being fully considered. Then it feels like your relationship is in a loop because the focus is on individual needs rather than finding common ground.

A healthier approach is to acknowledge your partner’s needs and work together to find a solution. Ask questions to understand their needs better and prioritize working on solutions. When a solution has been reached, you can then table your needs.

What Else?

These strategies I share are few of the tips that have worked for my marriage and can work for yours too. If you noticed, we did not just identify how conflicts occur, but steps on how to solve each of them.

It may take a while to build a healthy relationship, but it is always worth it. In the 3C’s Guide, I have elaborated more on these tips, check-ins, effective communication and preventing escalated conflicts. To get the Guide, click this link 

Follow @ruthsmarriage on Instagram for more helpful resources on relationship and marriage

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Ruth Esumeh

Ruth Esumeh is the founder of Ruth’s Marriage, a marriage counseling and relationship coaching company. She is a Certified Marriage Counselor and Therapist helping couples enjoy marriage, God’s way! Follow Ruth on all social media platforms.

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Confidentiality Policy

1. Introduction

At Ruth’s Marriage, we are committed to providing a safe and confidential environment for our clients. This confidentiality policy outlines how we handle your personal information and the limits to confidentiality that may apply during the course of marriage counseling sessions.

2. Confidentiality Assurance

2.1 Client-Counselor Privilege: All information shared during marriage counseling sessions is confidential. This means that your counselor will not disclose any information without your explicit written consent, except as required by law or ethical standards (see section 3).

2.3 Protection of Records: Client records, including session notes, assessments, and any other documentation, will be securely stored and only accessible to authorized personnel as outlined in section 4.

3. Limits to Confidentiality

3.1 Domestic Abuse or Physical Abuse: If there is reasonable report of
physical abuse, we are legally obligated to inform the victim to report this to the appropriate authorities.

3.2 Threats of Harm: If you pose a serious threat of harm to yourself or others, we may need to take steps to ensure safety, which may include disclosing relevant information to appropriate parties, such as law enforcement or medical professionals.

3.3 Court Orders: If a court orders the release of your counseling records, we may be required to comply with such an order.

3.4 Supervision and Consultation: Your counselor may consult with other mental health professionals for supervision and training purposes. In such cases, your identity will be kept confidential.

4. Access to Client Information

4.1 Authorized Personnel: Only authorized personnel, including your
counselor, and administrative staff, of Ruth’s Marriage will have access
to your information.

4.2 Security Measures: We take all reasonable measures to protect your
personal information, both in paper and electronic formats, from unauthorized access, disclosure, or alteration.

5. Client Consent

Before any disclosure beyond the limits outlined in this policy is made, we will seek your explicit written consent, explaining the purpose and recipients of the information to be disclosed.

6. Record Retention

Client records will be retained for a period determined by applicable laws and ethical standards. After the retention period expires, records will be securely destroyed.

7. Questions and Concerns

If you have any questions or concerns about our confidentiality policy, please feel free to discuss them with your counselor or write us at ruthsmarriage:gmail.com

8. Policy Updates

We may update this confidentiality policy from time to time to reflect changes in laws, regulations, or our counseling practices. You will be notified of any significant changes.

Cancellation Policy

$50 fee (converted to your currency rate at the point of payment)
CANCELLATIONS AND MISSED APPOINTMENTS

The client is expected to arrive on time for each booked session. A cancelled or postponed appointment slows down our work and might have a negative influence on other clients. Because your appointments include the reserve of time expressly for you, and out of mutual respect for each other and our other clients, postponing or cancelling an appointment requires a minimum of 24 hours’ notice in advance.

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED

This means if your appointment is supposed to be 9am on Wednesday and you wish to cancel, we expect to have received your email by 9am on Tuesday, then we can waive the cancellation fee. If we receive your cancellation later than that, then you will be charged the cancellation fee to have another appointment. Note that if your appointment is on a Monday, the cancellation needs to be provided no later than the prior Friday, by your appointment time, to be considered proper 24-hour notice.

If you can, we would appreciate more than 24-hour notice so that we can make that time available to other clients.

As a result, if you find out before the mandatory 24-hour notice that you will be unable to attend our session, please send an email so that we can fill your slot and place another client in your space who may require it. Counseling appointments are designated exclusively for our clients and are booked in advance. We are unable to cover this time slot by providing it to another client when a session is canceled without adequate notice. The email to send a cancellation notification to is ruthsmarriage@gmail.com

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED

This cancellation policy is only waived in the event of a serious sickness or emergency. Car accidents, family deaths, and severe illness are all examples of emergencies. In this case, if you are not physically able to cancel your appointment, you can get someone to write us an email on your behalf. Our cancellation policy applies even if the missed appointment was unintended. Work-related issues are not emergencies.

Late Cancellation Fees Process: Any session missed due to a cancellation less than 24 hours in advance will be assessed at $50/standard fee. You will be charged even if the cancellation was due to work or if you rescheduled the appointment without adequate notice. We will send you a payment link immediately to pay the cancellation fee before you can have another appointment or continue your sessions.

WAIT TIME GRACE PERIOD

Your wait time is kept to a minimum. Due to the length of time provided for each appointment, it is critical that you arrive on time for your appointments. If you are more than 10 minutes late to your appointment, we will have no choice but to reschedule your appointment and you will be responsible for the $50 fee of a no show. To avoid paying no show fees, we require at least twenty-four (24) hours’ notice for all cancellations (as described above). Both counselor and client have a grace period of 10 minutes.

RECURRING SESSIONS: CANCELLATION FEE PAYMENT ENFORCEMENT

For recurring therapy/counselling sessions, when you miss a session without adequate notice, you will pay the cancellation fee of $50 for that session, before another session. The same standard above applies for each session.

Ruth’s Marriage Counselling Services sends automated email reminders of forthcoming appointments as a courtesy. Whether or not you receive the text or email reminder, it is your sole duty to keep track of and attend any planned appointments/sessions on time. If your phone number or email address changes, please notify us via email.

We appreciate your understanding and our policy is hinged on the fact that a late cancel or no-show hurts at least three people: you, the counsellor, and another client who could have potentially utilized your time slot

THANK YOU

We value you and are committed to your journey, however, we can only accomplish this with your understanding of the obligations set forth in this policy. Time is of the essence in our practice and we encourage good use of time to accommodate more clients who need help. Thank you

Making a booking means you have accepted the terms guiding our Cancellation Policy.

I agree to the Confidentiality Policy and Cancellation Policy.