In my years of helping marriages grow positively, I see that many couples don’t even realize that they have been unconsciously disconnected from each other.
Disconnection in any marriage doesn’t just happen overnight. It is a gradual process that doesn’t get noticed at first until a final straw breaks the camel’s back and it is almost like you do not know your partner anymore.
From just interacting with couples and seeing the patterns of their day-to-day interactions and lifestyles, I can immediately tell why they are disconnected.
Let’s look at 5 reasons why you experience disconnection in marriage:
1. Waiting for Perfect Moments to Connect and Spend Quality Time Together
There will never be perfect times or moments because life is filled with imperfections and unpredictable situations. Make use of the little moments every day.
Many couples like to wait for the “perfect” moment to connect—a stress-free day, a romantic vacation, or a big planned occasion. But you see, life rarely provides the perfect conditions.
Every day, one thing or the other is always coming up that requires our attention. If you are waiting for the perfect time to connect as a couple, then you are missing countless opportunities to deepen your bond.
Enjoying perfect moments as a couple means intentionally creating those moments, even when things aren’t going smoothly. There are countless simple moments that you can share with your partner that will strengthen the emotional connection you share.
It’s as simple as sharing a quick laugh while cooking, taking a few minutes to check in after a long day or showing how much you appreciate your partner through cute gestures such as a thank you card.
2. Being Glued to Your Job, Phone, Work, Hobbies, And Even Kids
Basically giving other things the best of your energy and time and leaving scraps of energy and time for your marriage.
In today’s world, everyone and everything is demanding your attention and your best. Your workplace needs your 100% every day, your friends expect you to show commitment to your relationships. Even social media is competing for your attention.
After going through this, it is almost natural to give your partner what’s left of your energy from the day- small craps of energy, attention, and time. Without paying attention, this leftover love approach can cause you to slowly drift away from your partner.
As a couple, it is important to not leave your marriage for last because it sends a subtle message. You have become so complacent and used to your partner that everything else comes first but them.
Create and protect the time you have for each other by giving your marriage some of your best energy. The amount of time you give to your marriage will tell how much effort you are willing to put into making it a healthy one.
3. Not Showing Physical Affection or Prioritizing Sexual Intimacy
You will start to feel like housemates when you don’t touch or have sexual intimacy often.
There is a reason physical touch is one of the five love languages. This is because physical affection and sexual intimacy are necessary to maintain the spark and emotional closeness in a marriage.
Have you seen how kids act with their favourite toy? They also hold it close and would never want to share it with anyone. How then can you say your partner is your favourite person and you’re neglecting being intimate with each other?
When physical intimacy becomes a chore, you will start to feel like housemates. You know how students live in a hostel with almost surface-level connections? That’s the path you are treading without frequent physical touch.
Lack of or inconsistent physical touch can lead to a partner feeling lonely and neglected within the marriage even though they are physically present with each other.
Physical affection and sexual intimacy isn’t just about the physical act of sex. Simple gestures like holding hands, hugging, and kissing are ways to strengthen the bonds of affection and intimacy you share.
However, do not neglect the place of sex in your marriage. Prioritize taking time to explore your sexual fantasies with your spouse. Yes! It provides emotional safety in your marriage. My book “Have Sex & Pray” will give you a better perspective on sex in your marriage.
4. Not Having Deep Connecting Conversations
No meaningful conversations or exploring difficult conversations. Couples who are going to be connected must be ready to have conversations that seem difficult but will lead to a better understanding of each other.
What separates the conversations you have with your partner from your interactions with others, is the level of depth and connection you share while having such conversations.
There are two types of conversations you must be comfortable having with your partner to boost your emotional connection. These are difficult conversations and deep conversations.
Deep conversations are the conversations where you get to understand your partner’s view on life, career, tough decisions and happenings around you where you need their insights.
Difficult conversations, on the other hand, are conversations you have with your partner to resolve issues that may lead to resentment, conflicts or feelings of being misunderstood.
These meaningful conversations are one of the backbone of any deep, lasting relationship. To maintain a meaningful connection, you and your partner must be willing to have conversations that might be uncomfortable but necessary.
5. You Don’t Properly Repair After Conflicts to Prevent Built-up Resentment
Lack of repair leads to emotional wounds and built-up resentment. When we don’t fully repair hurts or check in with each other on our emotional state, it leaves room for assumptions, guesses or feelings of rejection.
When you allow conflicts or misunderstandings to go unresolved in your relationship, they can leave emotional wounds that can result in resentment. Over time, this lack of repair will reduce the level of intimacy and trust between you and your partner and in the worst-case scenario, a divorce.
Fixing emotional wounds requires more than just trying to avoid a subject or moving past an argument. It begins with first acknowledging that there is a rift in your marriage and yes, it is temporary. Once you have identified the cause of the misunderstanding, then you can move on to finding a solution together that works for both of you.
Without managing conflicts properly, there is a tendency for assumptions and unspoken judgements to set in. Where there’s no opportunity to discuss or resolve issues, one partner may start to interpret future actions through the lens of pain.
Prioritizing to fix conflicts in your marriage not only clears the air but also shows that you are willing to protect your marriage. It shows that even in difficult times, your marriage takes top priority over your self-interest.
In Summary
In any marriage, even those that are deeply in love, disconnection can gradually develop when you overlook the importance of consistent communication and conversation.
To help you have better communication as a couple, my resource The 3C’s Guide to Effective Communication” is a great place to start.
