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Communication Mistakes: 4 Practical Tips to Improve Your Communication in Marriage

Practical Tips to Improve your Communication in Marriage

The bedrock of every healthy relationship or marriage is built on the ability of couples to not just communicate but be able to do it effectively

As John Powell said, ”Communication works for those who work at it.” This means that communication is a skill that we can all get better at.

In a healthy marriage, yes there must be a safe space to communicate our feelings and needs. However, if our communication is not laced with wisdom and presented effectively, it would become ineffective. 

You can’t effectively communicate if you only consider what you want to say. Communication is not just about being heard, it’s about the two people understanding each other. 

Here are some communication mistakes that you make that could lead to conflict in your marriage:

1. Your Timing is Wrong 

Yes, you should say what you feel and communicate but you should also know when to say what needs to be said – you must be sure that your partner has the emotional capacity to process what you are saying and respond at that time.

As couples, you need to achieve a balance between healthy communication and emotional intelligence.

If your partner is already stressed or worn out or upset, bringing up a sensitive topic might lead to a fight building up. It’s either they may not pay attention to what you are saying or their response might be heated.

The better approach is to pick a time where you are both calm and collected. Pay attention to your partner’s body language and emotions before bringing up a difficult conversation.

A simple question such as “Hey, babe, are you okay if we talk about something bothering me right now?” can go a long way in preventing escalating situations.

Effective communication is not just about you speaking. It’s also checking if it’s the right time.

2. Your Startup is Harsh

When your communication starts with an angry tone, an accusation, a negative attitude, it becomes harsh. Harshness will likely yield your partner into panic mode and they may want to protect themselves so they become defensive.

Fun fact: Our nervous system automatically reacts to negativity as a threat.

When you start a conversation with your partner on a harsh note, it triggers the flight or fight response and can either make them want to go on the defensive or totally shut down communication.

Secondly, no one likes negativity. It is difficult to think clearly or process information if someone is shouting or talking down on you. On this note, instead of feeling safe to share their view, your partner might feel attacked and withdraw from the conversation.

Start with a calm tone and process your words before you speak. A gentle start up has more potential to yield a positive outcome in your communication. 

As discussed earlier, it is better to have difficult conversations when you are calm and collected. Use “I” statements to help you express your feelings and “we” statements to communicate working together towards finding a solution.

3. You Are Not Clear and Direct with Your Words

Your spouse is not a mind reader so when you do not give clarity and be direct with what you need, your communication has the potential to lead to wrong assumptions, conclusions and frustrations.

Except your partner is a member of the Harry Potter community, there is no way that they can magically know what you want or need without communicating it to them.

When you make vague or unclear statements, you leave blanks that they have to fill in based on how they interpret it. And most times, these interpretations can be far from accurate.

There is also those subtle passive-aggressive behaviour that comes from bottled frustrations or resentments you have left to build over time.

Instead of vague and unclear statements, explain your feelings in a more relatable way. For example, rather than say “I’m unhappy,” let your partner know the specific action or situation that made you unhappy.

Also, don’t just point out problems; clearly communicate what you expect from them. For instance, instead of “You never help me with the house chores,” try “I feel overwhelmed with housework. Could you assist with doing some chores with me?

4. You Don’t Speak with Kindness, Love and Respect

The Bible talks about speaking the truth in love. If your communication is not presented with respect, kindness and love, it will most likely lead to conflict.

People say the truth is bitter but even bitter leaf can be made in a soup that everyone likes.

Most time, it is not the speech itself that hurts but how it is delivered. True communication comes from a place of love and care for your partner.

If you address every issue with a fierce attitude, you will make having difficult conversations, difficult.

Before you communicate, ask yourself – will it be respectful, kind and laced with love?

In Summary

As a marriage counselor, one of my goals has been to help couples embrace better communication and vulnerability in their marriage.

Better communication leads to better connection. The bond you share as a couple can be strengthened if you both listen and communicate with each other.

Join my 30-day Couples Reconnecting Challenge now to learn practical ways to increase the bond in your marriage – Sign up here.

Picture of Ruth Esumeh

Ruth Esumeh

Ruth Esumeh is the founder of Ruth’s Marriage, a marriage counseling and relationship coaching company. She is a Certified Marriage Counselor and Therapist helping couples enjoy marriage, God’s way! Follow Ruth on all social media platforms.

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Confidentiality Policy

1. Introduction

At Ruth’s Marriage, we are committed to providing a safe and confidential environment for our clients. This confidentiality policy outlines how we handle your personal information and the limits to confidentiality that may apply during the course of marriage counseling sessions.

2. Confidentiality Assurance

2.1 Client-Counselor Privilege: All information shared during marriage counseling sessions is confidential. This means that your counselor will not disclose any information without your explicit written consent, except as required by law or ethical standards (see section 3).

2.3 Protection of Records: Client records, including session notes, assessments, and any other documentation, will be securely stored and only accessible to authorized personnel as outlined in section 4.

3. Limits to Confidentiality

3.1 Domestic Abuse or Physical Abuse: If there is reasonable report of
physical abuse, we are legally obligated to inform the victim to report this to the appropriate authorities.

3.2 Threats of Harm: If you pose a serious threat of harm to yourself or others, we may need to take steps to ensure safety, which may include disclosing relevant information to appropriate parties, such as law enforcement or medical professionals.

3.3 Court Orders: If a court orders the release of your counseling records, we may be required to comply with such an order.

3.4 Supervision and Consultation: Your counselor may consult with other mental health professionals for supervision and training purposes. In such cases, your identity will be kept confidential.

4. Access to Client Information

4.1 Authorized Personnel: Only authorized personnel, including your
counselor, and administrative staff, of Ruth’s Marriage will have access
to your information.

4.2 Security Measures: We take all reasonable measures to protect your
personal information, both in paper and electronic formats, from unauthorized access, disclosure, or alteration.

5. Client Consent

Before any disclosure beyond the limits outlined in this policy is made, we will seek your explicit written consent, explaining the purpose and recipients of the information to be disclosed.

6. Record Retention

Client records will be retained for a period determined by applicable laws and ethical standards. After the retention period expires, records will be securely destroyed.

7. Questions and Concerns

If you have any questions or concerns about our confidentiality policy, please feel free to discuss them with your counselor or write us at ruthsmarriage:gmail.com

8. Policy Updates

We may update this confidentiality policy from time to time to reflect changes in laws, regulations, or our counseling practices. You will be notified of any significant changes.

Cancellation Policy

$50 fee (converted to your currency rate at the point of payment)
CANCELLATIONS AND MISSED APPOINTMENTS

The client is expected to arrive on time for each booked session. A cancelled or postponed appointment slows down our work and might have a negative influence on other clients. Because your appointments include the reserve of time expressly for you, and out of mutual respect for each other and our other clients, postponing or cancelling an appointment requires a minimum of 24 hours’ notice in advance.

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED

This means if your appointment is supposed to be 9am on Wednesday and you wish to cancel, we expect to have received your email by 9am on Tuesday, then we can waive the cancellation fee. If we receive your cancellation later than that, then you will be charged the cancellation fee to have another appointment. Note that if your appointment is on a Monday, the cancellation needs to be provided no later than the prior Friday, by your appointment time, to be considered proper 24-hour notice.

If you can, we would appreciate more than 24-hour notice so that we can make that time available to other clients.

As a result, if you find out before the mandatory 24-hour notice that you will be unable to attend our session, please send an email so that we can fill your slot and place another client in your space who may require it. Counseling appointments are designated exclusively for our clients and are booked in advance. We are unable to cover this time slot by providing it to another client when a session is canceled without adequate notice. The email to send a cancellation notification to is ruthsmarriage@gmail.com

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED

This cancellation policy is only waived in the event of a serious sickness or emergency. Car accidents, family deaths, and severe illness are all examples of emergencies. In this case, if you are not physically able to cancel your appointment, you can get someone to write us an email on your behalf. Our cancellation policy applies even if the missed appointment was unintended. Work-related issues are not emergencies.

Late Cancellation Fees Process: Any session missed due to a cancellation less than 24 hours in advance will be assessed at $50/standard fee. You will be charged even if the cancellation was due to work or if you rescheduled the appointment without adequate notice. We will send you a payment link immediately to pay the cancellation fee before you can have another appointment or continue your sessions.

WAIT TIME GRACE PERIOD

Your wait time is kept to a minimum. Due to the length of time provided for each appointment, it is critical that you arrive on time for your appointments. If you are more than 10 minutes late to your appointment, we will have no choice but to reschedule your appointment and you will be responsible for the $50 fee of a no show. To avoid paying no show fees, we require at least twenty-four (24) hours’ notice for all cancellations (as described above). Both counselor and client have a grace period of 10 minutes.

RECURRING SESSIONS: CANCELLATION FEE PAYMENT ENFORCEMENT

For recurring therapy/counselling sessions, when you miss a session without adequate notice, you will pay the cancellation fee of $50 for that session, before another session. The same standard above applies for each session.

Ruth’s Marriage Counselling Services sends automated email reminders of forthcoming appointments as a courtesy. Whether or not you receive the text or email reminder, it is your sole duty to keep track of and attend any planned appointments/sessions on time. If your phone number or email address changes, please notify us via email.

We appreciate your understanding and our policy is hinged on the fact that a late cancel or no-show hurts at least three people: you, the counsellor, and another client who could have potentially utilized your time slot

THANK YOU

We value you and are committed to your journey, however, we can only accomplish this with your understanding of the obligations set forth in this policy. Time is of the essence in our practice and we encourage good use of time to accommodate more clients who need help. Thank you

Making a booking means you have accepted the terms guiding our Cancellation Policy.

I agree to the Confidentiality Policy and Cancellation Policy.