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Expectations: Realistic and Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships 

Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships

Do you ever feel like there are some things you wish your partner was doing that they are not? And because of these inactions, you feel dissatisfied or unloved?

While expectations are normal in every relationship, relying solely on them for happiness in your marriage sets you up for disappointment.

No marriage is perfect. The beauty of marriage is those imperfections that you work on together as a couple. When you use expectations to judge if your marriage is a success or not, you will overlook the positive aspects of your marriage to focus on the moments those expectations aren’t met.

Often, we go into marriage assuming our partner will fulfil most of our wants and need, and act in ways that we desire. We forget that our spouses are individual people with their own needs and desires.

Your partner may not always intuitively know what you expect from them. Besides, fulfilling every expectation you have can be unrealistic.

How Do Expectations Work?

You see, our expectations are shaped by the experiences we’ve had, where we’ve been and what we know. Personal experiences play a key role.

If you have experienced a situation before, you’ll most likely expect the same event to occur in the future. For example, if you got burnt by a stove as a child, you’ll be cautious around a stove as an adult.

Imagine a child who gets rewarded for every good behaviour. They will develop an expectation that everyone rewards good deeds, which isn’t always true.

Thus, expectations help us anticipate what we should expect. So, we judge situations based on how they meet our expectations. Did your partner help you open the door? Great! But if not, you feel disappointed.

In your marriage, it is okay to have expectations. However, seeing that your partner may not be able to fulfil all of your expectations, what do you do when these expectations are not being met.

To answer this, you have to yourself three questions –

1. Clear Communication

  • “Have I clearly communicated this expectation and it’s benefit to our relationship to my spouse?”

Before you feel resentful towards your partner for not meeting your expectations, did you express your expectations in a way that is easy for them to understand?

Did you explain how fulfilling this expectation would positively impact your relationship? Did you frame it in terms of “us” and a shared goal?

If your partner does not fully understand what you expect, they can’t meet it intentionally. And if they know why it means so much to you, it can make them put in the effort to make it work.

For instance, “I feel less burdened when you help me with chores.” Then you go ahead to let them know why. It is better than holding resentment that they never assist with the chores.

2. Realistic or Unrealistic Expectations

  • Is this expectation realistic or am I only considering my personal fantasies?

Expectations are personal; they are the things you expect or require from your partner. Before you approach your spouse about their inactions, you need to consider if your expectations are grounded in reality or simply a fantasy.

Remember I said earlier that our expectations are built from experiences we’ve had. If you’ve had a similar situation before, you might expect the situation to occur in the present as it did in the past.

Are your expectations realistic or are they wrapped up in fairytale fantasies influenced by society? For example, you might expect a grand gesture every day or a perfect romantic partner. Is that really realistic?

Instead, focus more on the core qualities that make your relationship healthy. Your partner may not be the touchy type, but they express their affection for you through gifts or service. 

It is most important to focus on behaviour rather than the outcome you expect. If your partner is actively making efforts to contribute to the health of your relationship, make efforts to appreciate these and it would be easier to communicate new expectations to them

3. Self-Awareness 

  • What can I do to take responsibility for my expectations to be met instead of being resentful?

The go-to action to unmet expectations is to be resentful towards your partner. “I expect this from you but you’re not meeting up which makes me unhappy being with you.”

But really, does this change anything? You will end up having an environment of stiffness in your marriage. Each partner walks on eggshells around the other.

Rather than resort to this weak approach of getting your expectations heard and met, how do you take responsibility for the things you expect?

First of all, reflect on your expectations. Are they realistic? What are you hoping for in your relationship?

Once you’ve been able to establish the things you really need, then think of ways to be an active participant in getting your needs met.

Finally, work with your partner. Have a ‘we’ mentality instead of ‘me’ mentality. 

In Summary

In my experience working with couples, I have seen how expectations can lead to frustration and eventually the breakdown of a marriage.

Marriage is a partnership and healthy couples desire what is best for each other. However, to know this, you will have to communicate often about what you expect.

This is not a one-time conversation. It is a continuous conversation that happens as your marriage evolves because change is inevitable.

Before you conclude on being resentful, join my 30-Day Couples Reconnecting Challenge. One of the things you’ll learn is how to clearly communicate your needs clearly in a secure partnership.

Picture of Ruth Esumeh

Ruth Esumeh

Ruth Esumeh is the founder of Ruth’s Marriage, a marriage counseling and relationship coaching company. She is a Certified Marriage Counselor and Therapist helping couples enjoy marriage, God’s way! Follow Ruth on all social media platforms.

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Confidentiality Policy

1. Introduction

At Ruth’s Marriage, we are committed to providing a safe and confidential environment for our clients. This confidentiality policy outlines how we handle your personal information and the limits to confidentiality that may apply during the course of marriage counseling sessions.

2. Confidentiality Assurance

2.1 Client-Counselor Privilege: All information shared during marriage counseling sessions is confidential. This means that your counselor will not disclose any information without your explicit written consent, except as required by law or ethical standards (see section 3).

2.3 Protection of Records: Client records, including session notes, assessments, and any other documentation, will be securely stored and only accessible to authorized personnel as outlined in section 4.

3. Limits to Confidentiality

3.1 Domestic Abuse or Physical Abuse: If there is reasonable report of
physical abuse, we are legally obligated to inform the victim to report this to the appropriate authorities.

3.2 Threats of Harm: If you pose a serious threat of harm to yourself or others, we may need to take steps to ensure safety, which may include disclosing relevant information to appropriate parties, such as law enforcement or medical professionals.

3.3 Court Orders: If a court orders the release of your counseling records, we may be required to comply with such an order.

3.4 Supervision and Consultation: Your counselor may consult with other mental health professionals for supervision and training purposes. In such cases, your identity will be kept confidential.

4. Access to Client Information

4.1 Authorized Personnel: Only authorized personnel, including your
counselor, and administrative staff, of Ruth’s Marriage will have access
to your information.

4.2 Security Measures: We take all reasonable measures to protect your
personal information, both in paper and electronic formats, from unauthorized access, disclosure, or alteration.

5. Client Consent

Before any disclosure beyond the limits outlined in this policy is made, we will seek your explicit written consent, explaining the purpose and recipients of the information to be disclosed.

6. Record Retention

Client records will be retained for a period determined by applicable laws and ethical standards. After the retention period expires, records will be securely destroyed.

7. Questions and Concerns

If you have any questions or concerns about our confidentiality policy, please feel free to discuss them with your counselor or write us at ruthsmarriage:gmail.com

8. Policy Updates

We may update this confidentiality policy from time to time to reflect changes in laws, regulations, or our counseling practices. You will be notified of any significant changes.

Cancellation Policy

$50 fee (converted to your currency rate at the point of payment)
CANCELLATIONS AND MISSED APPOINTMENTS

The client is expected to arrive on time for each booked session. A cancelled or postponed appointment slows down our work and might have a negative influence on other clients. Because your appointments include the reserve of time expressly for you, and out of mutual respect for each other and our other clients, postponing or cancelling an appointment requires a minimum of 24 hours’ notice in advance.

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED

This means if your appointment is supposed to be 9am on Wednesday and you wish to cancel, we expect to have received your email by 9am on Tuesday, then we can waive the cancellation fee. If we receive your cancellation later than that, then you will be charged the cancellation fee to have another appointment. Note that if your appointment is on a Monday, the cancellation needs to be provided no later than the prior Friday, by your appointment time, to be considered proper 24-hour notice.

If you can, we would appreciate more than 24-hour notice so that we can make that time available to other clients.

As a result, if you find out before the mandatory 24-hour notice that you will be unable to attend our session, please send an email so that we can fill your slot and place another client in your space who may require it. Counseling appointments are designated exclusively for our clients and are booked in advance. We are unable to cover this time slot by providing it to another client when a session is canceled without adequate notice. The email to send a cancellation notification to is ruthsmarriage@gmail.com

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED

This cancellation policy is only waived in the event of a serious sickness or emergency. Car accidents, family deaths, and severe illness are all examples of emergencies. In this case, if you are not physically able to cancel your appointment, you can get someone to write us an email on your behalf. Our cancellation policy applies even if the missed appointment was unintended. Work-related issues are not emergencies.

Late Cancellation Fees Process: Any session missed due to a cancellation less than 24 hours in advance will be assessed at $50/standard fee. You will be charged even if the cancellation was due to work or if you rescheduled the appointment without adequate notice. We will send you a payment link immediately to pay the cancellation fee before you can have another appointment or continue your sessions.

WAIT TIME GRACE PERIOD

Your wait time is kept to a minimum. Due to the length of time provided for each appointment, it is critical that you arrive on time for your appointments. If you are more than 10 minutes late to your appointment, we will have no choice but to reschedule your appointment and you will be responsible for the $50 fee of a no show. To avoid paying no show fees, we require at least twenty-four (24) hours’ notice for all cancellations (as described above). Both counselor and client have a grace period of 10 minutes.

RECURRING SESSIONS: CANCELLATION FEE PAYMENT ENFORCEMENT

For recurring therapy/counselling sessions, when you miss a session without adequate notice, you will pay the cancellation fee of $50 for that session, before another session. The same standard above applies for each session.

Ruth’s Marriage Counselling Services sends automated email reminders of forthcoming appointments as a courtesy. Whether or not you receive the text or email reminder, it is your sole duty to keep track of and attend any planned appointments/sessions on time. If your phone number or email address changes, please notify us via email.

We appreciate your understanding and our policy is hinged on the fact that a late cancel or no-show hurts at least three people: you, the counsellor, and another client who could have potentially utilized your time slot

THANK YOU

We value you and are committed to your journey, however, we can only accomplish this with your understanding of the obligations set forth in this policy. Time is of the essence in our practice and we encourage good use of time to accommodate more clients who need help. Thank you

Making a booking means you have accepted the terms guiding our Cancellation Policy.

I agree to the Confidentiality Policy and Cancellation Policy.