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4 Things That Can Destroy Your Marriage

Written by: Ruth Esumeh
Things that can destroy your marriage

Everyone wants a healthy marriage – a relationship where you and your spouse respect and understand each other. Usually, at the beginning of a relationship, the emotions are all high and lovey-dovey butterflies fill the air.

However, as you tend to spend more time with your spouse, these strong feelings may begin to give way as you start to see your spouse in their element. In this stage, it is common to see certain factors that begin to affect the relationship negatively.

In my years of counselling married couples, I have identified these common factors that can potentially destroy relationships if not addressed promptly.

What Are These Four (4) Things?

1. Pride/Ego Tussle

Waiting for who will apologize first, who will talk first, who will initiate connection first, who will get counselling first- You are a team and not opponents.

Waiting for your partner to take the first step to do the right thing in your relationship is not a productive approach. Truth is, placing expectations on others creates an environment of opposition rather than partnership.

The concept of marriage means two people – you and your partner – operate as a team. And how does a team operate?

If you’re familiar with team sports like basketball or football, you’ll understand that every player has a role. No player is more important than the other. Everyone works together as a team to get the ball from behind to score at the opponent’s goal.

A team operates on cooperation, mutual respect, and shared responsibility. Waiting for one partner to apologize first, initiate conversation, or seek counselling makes the relationship more competitive.

Instead, do what you know is right for the relationship, that way you focus on building a marriage that thrives on team – an environment where you are both equally responsible for the health of your marriage.

2. Complacency

Be comfortable but not complacent. Keep pursuing each other and striving to meet each other’s major needs. Remember you fell in love and got married because you prioritized each other.

Building a comfortable and familiar feeling with your partner is essential for a fulfilling marriage. However, when complacency sets in, it can lead to feelings of disconnection.

According to Merriam-Webster, to be complacent is to get an often-unjustified feeling of being pleased with oneself or with one’s situation. It is so easy to get to a place where you are both too comfortable and you no longer put in new effort. 

Remember the spark you felt at the beginning of your relationship? It is expected that it should continue to burn bright.

To do this requires consistent effort from both of you. What reasons brought you together: mutual respect, shared values, and a deep emotional connection?

Like it was in the beginning, prioritizing your partner’s needs and happiness is fundamental to maintain a strong and enduring marriage. This would require you move from complacency to intentionality. 

3. The Unending Fights

Constant fighting is a sign that there are underlying needs that are not being met. Communicate instead.

If you’re constantly arguing with your partner, it is time to do a relationship check. Often, persistent arguments signal deeper issues within your relationship.

Conflict is good. Constant conflict, on the other hand, can result from unmet emotional needs rather than just a surface-level clash of personalities. When you fail to effectively communicate your desires, frustrations, or expectations to your partner, tension builds. Before you know it, you find yourself expressing these unspoken needs through anger, resentment, or withdrawal. 

Instead of engaging in destructive patterns of fighting constantly, resolve issues through open and honest communication.

It begins with creating a safe space where you can talk to your partner about how you feel without the feeling of being judged, ignored or taken for granted. If you are on the other side of the coin, practice actively listening to your partner while they talk.

It is also important to be willing to compromise especially if it’s a situation that affects the dynamics of your relationship. As a couple, focus on expressing your feelings, needs and concerns without blame or accusation.

My resource “The 3C Guide to Effective Communication” will teach you how to communicate effectively in your marriage. 

4. Refusal to Change

Yes, your partner should not set out to change you but you must be self-aware enough to know your unproductive actions that need to change. Being able to change is maturity.

Yes, your partner should not set out to change you but you must be self-aware enough to know your unproductive actions that need to change. Being able to change is maturity.

A healthy relationship is often built on mutual respect and understanding. While it is essential for partners to support and encourage each other’s growth, if you’re attempting to totally change your partner to meet your inclinations, then you’re playing with marital dissatisfaction.

Rather than attempt to fundamentally change your partner, you should focus on developing yourself personally. A crucial step towards this is by recognizing your behaviours that are harmful to the health of your relationship and this requires self-reflection.

I saw a tweet on X that said, “We’re all adults and we all know what we are doing.” You know what actions you take that if roles were reversed, you’d feel bad.

It is this negative character that you should work on to become a better person and a better partner for your spouse. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

The beauty of self-development is, that when you and your partner are conscious about self-development, it shows in the health of your relationship.

If you have anger issues and work on them as a person, you are less likely to react angrily to your partner during conflict.

If you are one who doesn’t know how to communicate with people effectively and you work on yourself by reading books on building communication skills, you are more likely to create an environment where open communication is encouraged in your relationship.

In Summary

Marriage is a partnership, not a competition. In a partnership, you and your partner are working together to build a relationship that meets your desired goals.

Like in medicine, before beginning any treatment, you have to know the diagnosis from the symptoms. Now that we’ve identified 4 potential destroyers of marriages, you can work out solutions to either prevent or work on these issues as they relate to your marriage.

Do you want to actively work on your marriage to build a healthy relationship? Join The 30-Day Couples Reconnecting Challenge Here

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Ruth Esumeh

Ruth Esumeh is the founder of Ruth’s Marriage, a marriage counseling and relationship coaching company. She is a Certified Marriage Counselor and Therapist helping couples enjoy marriage, God’s way! Follow Ruth on all social media platforms.

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Confidentiality Policy

1. Introduction

At Ruth’s Marriage, we are committed to providing a safe and confidential environment for our clients. This confidentiality policy outlines how we handle your personal information and the limits to confidentiality that may apply during the course of marriage counseling sessions.

2. Confidentiality Assurance

2.1 Client-Counselor Privilege: All information shared during marriage counseling sessions is confidential. This means that your counselor will not disclose any information without your explicit written consent, except as required by law or ethical standards (see section 3).

2.3 Protection of Records: Client records, including session notes, assessments, and any other documentation, will be securely stored and only accessible to authorized personnel as outlined in section 4.

3. Limits to Confidentiality

3.1 Domestic Abuse or Physical Abuse: If there is reasonable report of
physical abuse, we are legally obligated to inform the victim to report this to the appropriate authorities.

3.2 Threats of Harm: If you pose a serious threat of harm to yourself or others, we may need to take steps to ensure safety, which may include disclosing relevant information to appropriate parties, such as law enforcement or medical professionals.

3.3 Court Orders: If a court orders the release of your counseling records, we may be required to comply with such an order.

3.4 Supervision and Consultation: Your counselor may consult with other mental health professionals for supervision and training purposes. In such cases, your identity will be kept confidential.

4. Access to Client Information

4.1 Authorized Personnel: Only authorized personnel, including your
counselor, and administrative staff, of Ruth’s Marriage will have access
to your information.

4.2 Security Measures: We take all reasonable measures to protect your
personal information, both in paper and electronic formats, from unauthorized access, disclosure, or alteration.

5. Client Consent

Before any disclosure beyond the limits outlined in this policy is made, we will seek your explicit written consent, explaining the purpose and recipients of the information to be disclosed.

6. Record Retention

Client records will be retained for a period determined by applicable laws and ethical standards. After the retention period expires, records will be securely destroyed.

7. Questions and Concerns

If you have any questions or concerns about our confidentiality policy, please feel free to discuss them with your counselor or write us at ruthsmarriage:gmail.com

8. Policy Updates

We may update this confidentiality policy from time to time to reflect changes in laws, regulations, or our counseling practices. You will be notified of any significant changes.

Cancellation Policy

$50 fee (converted to your currency rate at the point of payment)
CANCELLATIONS AND MISSED APPOINTMENTS

The client is expected to arrive on time for each booked session. A cancelled or postponed appointment slows down our work and might have a negative influence on other clients. Because your appointments include the reserve of time expressly for you, and out of mutual respect for each other and our other clients, postponing or cancelling an appointment requires a minimum of 24 hours’ notice in advance.

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED

This means if your appointment is supposed to be 9am on Wednesday and you wish to cancel, we expect to have received your email by 9am on Tuesday, then we can waive the cancellation fee. If we receive your cancellation later than that, then you will be charged the cancellation fee to have another appointment. Note that if your appointment is on a Monday, the cancellation needs to be provided no later than the prior Friday, by your appointment time, to be considered proper 24-hour notice.

If you can, we would appreciate more than 24-hour notice so that we can make that time available to other clients.

As a result, if you find out before the mandatory 24-hour notice that you will be unable to attend our session, please send an email so that we can fill your slot and place another client in your space who may require it. Counseling appointments are designated exclusively for our clients and are booked in advance. We are unable to cover this time slot by providing it to another client when a session is canceled without adequate notice. The email to send a cancellation notification to is ruthsmarriage@gmail.com

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED

This cancellation policy is only waived in the event of a serious sickness or emergency. Car accidents, family deaths, and severe illness are all examples of emergencies. In this case, if you are not physically able to cancel your appointment, you can get someone to write us an email on your behalf. Our cancellation policy applies even if the missed appointment was unintended. Work-related issues are not emergencies.

Late Cancellation Fees Process: Any session missed due to a cancellation less than 24 hours in advance will be assessed at $50/standard fee. You will be charged even if the cancellation was due to work or if you rescheduled the appointment without adequate notice. We will send you a payment link immediately to pay the cancellation fee before you can have another appointment or continue your sessions.

WAIT TIME GRACE PERIOD

Your wait time is kept to a minimum. Due to the length of time provided for each appointment, it is critical that you arrive on time for your appointments. If you are more than 10 minutes late to your appointment, we will have no choice but to reschedule your appointment and you will be responsible for the $50 fee of a no show. To avoid paying no show fees, we require at least twenty-four (24) hours’ notice for all cancellations (as described above). Both counselor and client have a grace period of 10 minutes.

RECURRING SESSIONS: CANCELLATION FEE PAYMENT ENFORCEMENT

For recurring therapy/counselling sessions, when you miss a session without adequate notice, you will pay the cancellation fee of $50 for that session, before another session. The same standard above applies for each session.

Ruth’s Marriage Counselling Services sends automated email reminders of forthcoming appointments as a courtesy. Whether or not you receive the text or email reminder, it is your sole duty to keep track of and attend any planned appointments/sessions on time. If your phone number or email address changes, please notify us via email.

We appreciate your understanding and our policy is hinged on the fact that a late cancel or no-show hurts at least three people: you, the counsellor, and another client who could have potentially utilized your time slot

THANK YOU

We value you and are committed to your journey, however, we can only accomplish this with your understanding of the obligations set forth in this policy. Time is of the essence in our practice and we encourage good use of time to accommodate more clients who need help. Thank you

Making a booking means you have accepted the terms guiding our Cancellation Policy.

I agree to the Confidentiality Policy and Cancellation Policy.