“My marriage is finished. Nothing I do works.” She sat next to me and from the look of things, I could tell she was battling to keep the tears from flowing.
Like her, I have counselled many couples whose marriages were on the brink of collapse. Marriage should be a place where you feel safe and vulnerable, not a place of pain.
Before we continue, if your marriage is currently at a very difficult place, ensure you read this to the end. These 3 proven Steps will totally transform your marriage:
1. Start Making More Love Deposits Than Withdrawals
Deposits are loving actions. Withdrawals are depleting and discouraging actions.
To understand how healthy marriages work, consider them like owning a bank account. To keep your account running, you must have money in there before withdrawing.
When you invest positive actions in your marriage, you are making deposits. On the other hand, negative actions have a way of depleting your marriage intimacy and can be likened to making withdrawals.
Positive actions like being attentive to your partner’s needs, giving encouragement, and providing safety and support will add deposits to your love account.
Negative actions that can deplete your love account include making judgements and blaming each other, treating each other with disrespect, micro criticisms and generally actions you take that can lead to your partner feeling unloved and unappreciated.
To build your marriage, you have to make more deposits than withdrawals. If the withdrawals are more than the deposits, you will fall into a rut of disconnection.
2. Learn to Communicate Openly and Vulnerably
Did you know that when communication breaks down in a marriage, the marriage also gradually breaks down?
Usually, you are communicating but you are not communicating right because it feels like you don’t feel heard and you are not getting through. This is a difficult place to be in marriage and if this happens for too long, it couple lead to a complete breakdown in your connection.
As a couple, it is important to create a space where each person can express their feelings and know they will be heard. This kind of communication will require some vulnerability and skill. The reason why you mostly shy away from communicating is because you are avoiding conflict; however, avoiding conflict does not really keep the peace, rather it could drive a deeper wedge between the two of you.
If something bothers you, and you cannot tell your partner, these negative feelings can build up as walls in your relationship which will hinder intimacy. It is important that couples create an environment where they can share their joys, desires, hurts and feelings with each other without feeling judged. In the 30-Day Couples Reconnecting Challenge, I guide you on how to have this kind of communication with examples.
When you learn how to communicate this way and create the safety that this requires, your marriage will start to take a different shape.
3. Start “Acting in Love” Even When You Don’t Feel it
Just act as if you are feeling it. Actions are what bring results. I know this is not as easy as it sounds but it works.
I always tell my clients, “The change you wish to see is hinged on the cornerstone of actions.” That’s because when you are rebuilding or building something, you must act for you to see the physical progress of what you are building. Your building doesn’t just spring up by itself. You will need to put some bricks, wood, tiles together to create the structure.
Those are actions and it’s the same with rebuilding your marriage. You must put down the old structure and rebuild new structure with the right actions whether you feel like it or not.
Have you also heard of the adage “fake it till you make it” ? It holds true in many situations including relationship development. When you consistently act in a certain way, it sends signals to your brain before eventually developing as a new habit.
It basically means behaving in a way that aligns with the outcome you desire even if you don’t feel that way at first.
The common misconception about romantic relationships is that you have to “feel” it before “doing” it. Your actions are a prerequisite to your feelings.
Instead of dwelling on negative feelings or mistakes, focus on taking positive actions that contribute to fixing your marriage.
If there’s an underlying hurt, begin with working on forgiving each other.
Final Action
A marriage can be rebuilt. If you don’t like the version of your marriage you have right now, you can rebuild it to the version you like!
I created an effective way to help you do this without having to sit in couples therapy and almost a thousand couples have reported the impact of this challenge in their marriage. The amazing thing about this challenge is that it works even if you are the only one participating and your partner is not. It’s structured to influence your partner positively.
In 30 days, you will build a culture of love depositing, respectful & effective communication, and start to see a new intimate version of your marriage you never thought existed.
Join the 30-Day Couples Reconnecting Challenge.
Again, I’ve put together effective actions and coaching guides that include communication tools, love deposits, and intimacy boosters that will help you change your marriage and start to rebuild a new marriage.
Don’t wait until your marriage is completely broken down. Act now and join the challenge!
