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How to Handle a Difficult Spouse

How to Handle a Difficult Spouse

Handling a difficult spouse can be one of the most challenging aspects of any marriage. Handling a difficult spouse can be one of the most challenging aspects of any marriage. It is crucial to approach the situation with understanding and patience, seeking open communication and professional guidance if necessary. Remember to prioritize self-care and maintain healthy boundaries while working towards resolution.

When your partner acts difficult, one of the things to consider is it may not be about you, it may be as a result of their experiences and traumas and you are only a beneficiary of the impact that has caused on them.

It is easy to be overwhelmed or frustrated when dealing with a partner whose behaviour feels negative or uncooperative.

However, learning how to approach the situation with understanding and constructive strategies can make all the difference. In this guide, we will explore effective ways to handle a difficult partner.

1. Don’t victimize yourself 

Know that you are not the enemy. You are only a recipient of their internal struggles and habits. Knowing this gives you a mental shift from victimizing yourself to empathizing.

If your partner is acting difficult towards you- negativity, frustration or anger, the tendency for you to internalize these things and feel personally attacked is very high.

In turn, these internalized feelings can make you feel like a victim making the situation worse by reinforcing feelings of resentment, defensiveness or hurt.

However, it is important to note that your partner’s behaviour reveals their own interns struggles and not likely yours. 

This could be as a result of stress, past traumas, formed habits or unresolved issues. Knowing this can help you detach from the automatic response of personalizing your partner’s actions and decreasing the level of intimacy in your marriage.

When you approach it this way, it causes a mindset shift from “victim” to “empathizer.”

You start to see their negative behaviour as a reflection of their own struggles rather than a direct attack on you. Instead of reacting with defensiveness or anger, you can respond with compassion. This further opens the door to understanding. Instead of getting stuck in a cycle of hurt and retaliation, you create a space for healthier communication, focusing on what the other person might need emotionally.

2. Combat Negativity with Positivity

You can’t change them by becoming difficult yourself. Be the light, be much better instead and you can model and influence change.

A popular maxim says, “Two wrongs do not make a right.” In other words, you cannot correct negative behaviour with negativity. When your partner is acting difficult, upset, or stuck in unhealthy patterns, it can be tempting to respond in kind—either out of frustration, self-defence, or a desire to assert yourself.

This often takes the conflict to a whole new level, further reinforcing the behaviour you wish to change.

When you respond to your partner’s behaviour with your form of resistance, you mirror the behaviour of your partner which results in a negative cycle of conflict.

It’s a basic principle of human interaction that we cannot directly change others—people must be willing to change themselves. But you can influence the environment and set a powerful example for how to behave under stress, frustration, or disagreement.

When you remain calm, composed, and positive, you are basically showing your partner that difficult circumstances don’t have to dictate your behaviour. It creates a kind of social pressure to meet that standard, as people often mirror the emotional tone of those around them.

Choosing not to be a difficult person in response to your partner’s behaviour can effectively disrupt their negative pattern of behaviour.

3. Be Accountable for Your Actions Too

Put things into perspective and pick your battles. Are they that difficult or you are expecting perfection, or for them to think or act like you?

Marriage is a partnership between you and your partner. Your relationship is not always going to be smooth. Relationships are long-term, and occasional misunderstandings or differences are inevitable.

Ask yourself: Is this disagreement or behaviour going to matter in a week, a month, or a year? If not, it may be more beneficial to let it pass rather than escalate the situation.

One of the biggest sources of frustration in relationships is the expectation that your partner will behave perfectly or live up to your idealized standards. But no one is perfect, and expecting others to meet unrealistic standards can be frustrating. 

People have bad days and make mistakes that may not align with your expectations. Instead of focusing on these flaws, allow space for imperfections. This builds a healthier, more compassionate relationship where your partner feels accepted for who they are, rather than pressured to meet an impossible standard

4. Focus on Positive Reinforcement and Not the Negative

Focus on the positive and reinforce positive energy. Even the most difficult person would have some areas they are doing well. Most people respond to praise and positivity as opposed to complaints and criticism.

Positive reinforcement is a psychological principle where you motivate a person to behave a certain way through rewards, recognition or praise. In relationships, this means actively encouraging your partner when they do well.

When someone is recognized for doing something good, they are more likely to repeat that behaviour. On the other hand, when you constantly criticize them, they may become defensive and eventually withdraw from you.

Instead of focusing on what your partner is doing wrong, focus on what they are doing right. Focusing on what they are doing well shifts your mindset from problem-oriented to solution-oriented.

This does not mean you will ignore the problems your partner is causing, but by highlighting what they are doing right, you are choosing to create an environment where they feel comfortable doing the right thing.

Most people have an innate need to be valued and appreciated. When you acknowledge your partner’s strengths, you’re telling them you notice their efforts and appreciate them.

Wrapping Up

If you have a partner you’re having difficulties dealing with, you would need a more long-term effective resource for your marriage.

My first recommendation would be to sign up for the 30-Day Couples Reconnecting Challenge. By joining this challenge, you can move your marriage to a place of reconnection without sitting in marriage therapy and the great thing about this challenge is that, it’s structured yo be effective even if you are the same not one participating in it. Read more and sign up here.

Picture of Ruth Esumeh

Ruth Esumeh

Ruth Esumeh is the founder of Ruth’s Marriage, a marriage counseling and relationship coaching company. She is a Certified Marriage Counselor and Therapist helping couples enjoy marriage, God’s way! Follow Ruth on all social media platforms.

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Confidentiality Policy

1. Introduction

At Ruth’s Marriage, we are committed to providing a safe and confidential environment for our clients. This confidentiality policy outlines how we handle your personal information and the limits to confidentiality that may apply during the course of marriage counseling sessions.

2. Confidentiality Assurance

2.1 Client-Counselor Privilege: All information shared during marriage counseling sessions is confidential. This means that your counselor will not disclose any information without your explicit written consent, except as required by law or ethical standards (see section 3).

2.3 Protection of Records: Client records, including session notes, assessments, and any other documentation, will be securely stored and only accessible to authorized personnel as outlined in section 4.

3. Limits to Confidentiality

3.1 Domestic Abuse or Physical Abuse: If there is reasonable report of
physical abuse, we are legally obligated to inform the victim to report this to the appropriate authorities.

3.2 Threats of Harm: If you pose a serious threat of harm to yourself or others, we may need to take steps to ensure safety, which may include disclosing relevant information to appropriate parties, such as law enforcement or medical professionals.

3.3 Court Orders: If a court orders the release of your counseling records, we may be required to comply with such an order.

3.4 Supervision and Consultation: Your counselor may consult with other mental health professionals for supervision and training purposes. In such cases, your identity will be kept confidential.

4. Access to Client Information

4.1 Authorized Personnel: Only authorized personnel, including your
counselor, and administrative staff, of Ruth’s Marriage will have access
to your information.

4.2 Security Measures: We take all reasonable measures to protect your
personal information, both in paper and electronic formats, from unauthorized access, disclosure, or alteration.

5. Client Consent

Before any disclosure beyond the limits outlined in this policy is made, we will seek your explicit written consent, explaining the purpose and recipients of the information to be disclosed.

6. Record Retention

Client records will be retained for a period determined by applicable laws and ethical standards. After the retention period expires, records will be securely destroyed.

7. Questions and Concerns

If you have any questions or concerns about our confidentiality policy, please feel free to discuss them with your counselor or write us at ruthsmarriage:gmail.com

8. Policy Updates

We may update this confidentiality policy from time to time to reflect changes in laws, regulations, or our counseling practices. You will be notified of any significant changes.

Cancellation Policy

$50 fee (converted to your currency rate at the point of payment)
CANCELLATIONS AND MISSED APPOINTMENTS

The client is expected to arrive on time for each booked session. A cancelled or postponed appointment slows down our work and might have a negative influence on other clients. Because your appointments include the reserve of time expressly for you, and out of mutual respect for each other and our other clients, postponing or cancelling an appointment requires a minimum of 24 hours’ notice in advance.

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED

This means if your appointment is supposed to be 9am on Wednesday and you wish to cancel, we expect to have received your email by 9am on Tuesday, then we can waive the cancellation fee. If we receive your cancellation later than that, then you will be charged the cancellation fee to have another appointment. Note that if your appointment is on a Monday, the cancellation needs to be provided no later than the prior Friday, by your appointment time, to be considered proper 24-hour notice.

If you can, we would appreciate more than 24-hour notice so that we can make that time available to other clients.

As a result, if you find out before the mandatory 24-hour notice that you will be unable to attend our session, please send an email so that we can fill your slot and place another client in your space who may require it. Counseling appointments are designated exclusively for our clients and are booked in advance. We are unable to cover this time slot by providing it to another client when a session is canceled without adequate notice. The email to send a cancellation notification to is ruthsmarriage@gmail.com

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED

This cancellation policy is only waived in the event of a serious sickness or emergency. Car accidents, family deaths, and severe illness are all examples of emergencies. In this case, if you are not physically able to cancel your appointment, you can get someone to write us an email on your behalf. Our cancellation policy applies even if the missed appointment was unintended. Work-related issues are not emergencies.

Late Cancellation Fees Process: Any session missed due to a cancellation less than 24 hours in advance will be assessed at $50/standard fee. You will be charged even if the cancellation was due to work or if you rescheduled the appointment without adequate notice. We will send you a payment link immediately to pay the cancellation fee before you can have another appointment or continue your sessions.

WAIT TIME GRACE PERIOD

Your wait time is kept to a minimum. Due to the length of time provided for each appointment, it is critical that you arrive on time for your appointments. If you are more than 10 minutes late to your appointment, we will have no choice but to reschedule your appointment and you will be responsible for the $50 fee of a no show. To avoid paying no show fees, we require at least twenty-four (24) hours’ notice for all cancellations (as described above). Both counselor and client have a grace period of 10 minutes.

RECURRING SESSIONS: CANCELLATION FEE PAYMENT ENFORCEMENT

For recurring therapy/counselling sessions, when you miss a session without adequate notice, you will pay the cancellation fee of $50 for that session, before another session. The same standard above applies for each session.

Ruth’s Marriage Counselling Services sends automated email reminders of forthcoming appointments as a courtesy. Whether or not you receive the text or email reminder, it is your sole duty to keep track of and attend any planned appointments/sessions on time. If your phone number or email address changes, please notify us via email.

We appreciate your understanding and our policy is hinged on the fact that a late cancel or no-show hurts at least three people: you, the counsellor, and another client who could have potentially utilized your time slot

THANK YOU

We value you and are committed to your journey, however, we can only accomplish this with your understanding of the obligations set forth in this policy. Time is of the essence in our practice and we encourage good use of time to accommodate more clients who need help. Thank you

Making a booking means you have accepted the terms guiding our Cancellation Policy.

I agree to the Confidentiality Policy and Cancellation Policy.