Every marriage has a dynamic – it could be positive or negative depending on the health of your relationship with your spouse. However, it is easy for your marriage to experience a shift when you do not take note of certain subtle signs.
These signs may seem subtle on the surface but when left unresolved or unattended, they can have an incredible impact on your relationship with your spouse.
How then do you prevent these signs from shifting your marriage into a negative dynamic?
1. Tell Your Spouse When They Do Something Right
Your spouse does so many things right, you notice it and don’t say it. Then they do one thing wrong and you say it. Don’t vocalize only the negative, be more vocal about the positive.
In any marriage, it is easy to focus on the one thing that goes wrong while overlooking the many things your partner does right. It is a common phenomenon referred to as “cognitive bias.”
Think about it—if your spouse consistently makes an effort to support you, manage responsibilities, or show love in their unique ways and you remain silent, they can naturally feel like you are taking them for granted or being overly critical. Then if the only time you speak up is when they do something wrong, it can hurt their confidence and emotional connection with you.
Instead of being that negative energy, create a positive environment where your partner can feel better appreciated. When your spouse does something that you value or admire—no matter how small—acknowledge it. Whether it’s a compliment on how they handled a situation, a simple “thank you” for their effort, or an enthusiastic “I’m so proud of you,” these affirmations go a long way in building emotional intimacy.
Of course, addressing problems is a necessary part of any healthy relationship, but how and when you do it matters. If you’ve been regularly affirming the positives, a single critique won’t feel like an attack—it will come across as constructive feedback
2. Turn Towards Each Other Not Against Each Other
You both feel hurt or upset after a conflict. Naturally, you want to turn against each other (laying blame, shutting down, focusing on who’s right or wrong). Instead, turn towards each other (initiate repair, apologise for your part, have a conversation).
Hear me out couples – you’ll experience disagreements in your marriage. Avoiding it will do you no good. Addressing it, on the other hand, will work wonders for the health of your marriage.
Disagreements, misunderstandings and hurt feelings will arise, but how you respond in the aftermath of a conflict makes all the difference. When you or your partner feel hurt or upset, the natural reaction may be to turn against each other or fixate on who is right or wrong.
Rather than turn away from each other, make a conscious decision to turn towards each other. This means that you prioritize the relationship over the need to win an argument or prove your point.
The first step in initiating repair after a conflict is to have an honest conversation with each other. Your focus should be on understanding your spouse’s perspectives rather than trying to win the argument. It should be about solving issues as a team rather than as opponents.
3. Respond to Feedback With Curiosity Instead of a Counter-Attack
Your partner says something you are doing that hurts them or offends them. Even if you don’t agree, be curious to understand their thought process and why they feel that way. It’s not the time to counter it with another thing they do. Curiosity opens up room for better understanding which leads to emotional safety.
When your partner shares something you are doing that hurts or offends them, it is easy to feel defensive or immediately counter-attack with something they do that also bothers you.
Reacting like this creates a defensive cycle where neither of you is listening to the other. At the end of the conversation, nobody feels heard or understood.
Rather than put your guard up when your spouse highlights something you do that offends them, be genuinely curious about how your action makes them feel. Who knows? Your actions may be re-living trauma for them without you knowing.
Here’s what being curious does. It creates an emotional safety net where your partner feels safe to share their feelings without fear of being judged, dismissed or countered. Every relationship is made up of two individuals with unique experiences, needs and sensitivities.
The better you are at listening to your partner, the better you’ll be at understanding their triggers.
Practical Steps to Embrace Curiosity in Tough Conversations:
1. Listen Without Interrupting: Give your partner space to express their feelings fully before responding. This shows respect and makes it clear that you’re prioritizing their perspective.
- Example: If your partner says, “It hurts me when you don’t involve me in decisions,” listen completely rather than jumping to an explanation or justification.
2. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of dismissing their feelings, ask questions to help you better understand their experience.
- Example: “Can you help me understand what it feels like when that happens?” or “What makes this especially important to you?”
3. Acknowledge Their Feelings: Even if you don’t fully agree, let your partner know that their emotions are valid. You don’t have to agree with their interpretation to respect their experience.
- Example: “I see how that could make you feel overlooked, and I’m sorry you feel that way.”
4. Avoid Bringing Up Your Own Grievances: This is not the time to discuss something they did to hurt you. Focus entirely on their concern and temporarily set aside your feelings.
5. Reflect Back: Summarize what they’ve expressed to ensure you understand it accurately. This also demonstrates that you’re listening and genuinely trying to see things from their viewpoint.
- Example: “So, it feels like when I make decisions without involving you, it feels isolating. I can see why that would feel frustrating.”
Wrapping Up
What differentiates a thriving and happy marriage from a disconnected and unhappy one are some of these subtle shifts in dynamics that make a huge positive impact on how you both feel in the marriage.
If you feel you have been in this dynamic for too long and you would need a more long-term effective resource for your marriage, especially to address underlying issues, emotional connection and communication, my first recommendation would be to Get The 3C’s Guide!
