As beautiful as marriage is, it comes with challenges. One inevitable obstacle couples face is unspoken and unmet expectations. When we enter into marriage, we often bring with us a mental image filled with assumptions and expectations of what our partners will be like, how they will behave, and what they will provide for us. These expectations are usually shaped by different things such as our upbringing, personal desires, past relationships, and social media influences etc. However, while expectations are good, if they are not communicated or unmet, it can lead to feelings of resentment, frustration, and disappointment. Let’s talk about how unspoken and unmet expectations can ruin your marriage and what you can do to avoid them.
The Dangers of Unspoken Expectations
Unspoken expectations are those that you have but do not communicate to your partner. You may assume that your partner can automatically know what you want or need, but this is usually not the case, as your partner can’t read your mind. When you don’t communicate your expectations, you set yourself up for disappointment and frustration.
For instance, as a wife, you might be expecting your husband to surprise you with a romantic getaway or gifts, but if you don’t communicate this expectation, he may not even know that you want these things. When he doesn’t deliver, you may feel hurt and unappreciated, leading to resentment and disagreements.
My personal experience: One morning, I woke up feeling emotionally drained and desperately needed a hug from my husband. But I didn’t ask him for one. He noticed I was moody and asked if I was okay. He didn’t know what to do to make me feel better because I didn’t express what I actually needed, but I was feeling hurt inside.
This small example showed me how even the simplest unspoken needs can create emotional distance.
Unspoken expectations can happen in every phase of life, including the division of chores in the home, financial decisions, parenting styles, physical and emotional intimacy, social and family relationships, religious beliefs and practices, personal growth and development, etc.
The Damages Caused by Unmet Expectations
The damages caused by unmet expectations in marriages can be just as destructive as the unspoken ones. When you communicate your expectations to your partner, but they are not met, it can make you feel hurt, angry, and betrayed.
For example, as a husband, you may be expecting your wife to be supportive of your career goals after discussing them with her, but if she treats them as just mere random talks and doesn’t show any positive attitude towards them, you may begin to feel frustrated and unfulfilled. However, this may be because you didn’t communicate your expectations (that is, what you wanted from her) clearly, or if you did and she’s not able to meet them, it may lead to tension, and if not nipped early, it will escalate to a full-blown disagreement or quarrel.
Unmet expectations can leave a very massive impact on marriage; it may start small and eventually evolve to lack of trust and emotional intimacy between partners, more conflicts and arguments, and emotional withdrawal. You might start feeling rejected and inadequate, you start creating emotional barriers, and you may probably start looking for fulfilment outside the marriage.
The importance of communication in handling unmet and unspoken expectations
Having known the dangers unmet and unspoken expectations pose in marriages, the question is how can you avoid these pitfalls? The solution is communication. When you communicate clearly and respectfully with your spouse, you can avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
It’s important to create a safe, positive, and supportive environment where you and your partner feel comfortable to openly share your thoughts, feelings, and expectations with each other. This means being honest and vulnerable with each other despite the subject of the conversation and actively listening to your spouse without judging them or invalidating their feelings.
To effectively manage your expectations in marriage, you must learn to communicate clearly; don’t assume your partner will automatically know what you want or need. Be specific about what you want your spouse to do for you. Avoid placing unrealistic expectations on them; they can’t meet all your needs. Also, you must be willing to adjust your expectations and understand your spouse when they can’t meet your expectations at the time you want.
Wrapping Up
On a broader scale, what would you like to see more of in your marriage this year? Is it more conversations? Is it more quality time? Is it more cuddles? Or more financial accountability? Or more respectful talking? Or more hugs?
Whatever it is, you and your spouse must check up with each other and be in sync with your needs and goals. You will most likely feel happier when you are both in sync with your needs, goals, and priorities.
Remember, your spouse is not a mind reader; they can only act based on the information they have.
To help couples effectively manage their expectations, I created the Couples Checkup Workbook. It’s a practical breakdown of weekly, quarterly, and yearly goals, a template guide covering different aspects of your marriage—this will help you identify, define, and discuss your major needs and priorities on a weekly, quarterly and yearly basis.
You can get the workbook here.
