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Three Things I Learnt in Marriage and You Should Know Too

Written by: Ruth Esumeh
Three Things I Learnt in Marriage and You Should Know Too

I have worked with so many couples and one thing I realized is that most couples want to have a great marriage but almost don’t know what it takes to have one.

Personally, I believe marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. My marriage is a testament to that statement.

However, we did not build our Rome in a day. It took years of making wrongs right and learning to get to where we are now.

From my experiences, here are three things you can learn from our marriage.

1. Love in Marriage Takes Learning and Changing

God designed marriage to make us better. Both partners will have to embrace learning and change to make a great marriage. Love is not selfish and does not insist on its own.

Marriage is not merely a “social institution”, it is a sacred covenant designed by God to bring two people who will love and walk together to help each other become better and fulfill Gods purpose for their marriage 

It is a partnership where two individuals united by love commit to loving and becoming like Christ.

In our marriage, we learnt early enough that marriage requires a mutual commitment to learning and growing together. Nobody is perfect and making mistakes in your marriage is inevitable.

The key is to be willing to acknowledge that your imperfections exist (and your spouse’s too), accept each other, learn from mistakes and work towards improving every day.

2. Give Love Even When it Feels Impossible

To have a great marriage, you must choose to give love even when you don’t feel loved. When you give love, you ignite a spark of love and that’s where change begins.

You know how little sparks can start a fire? So is it with taking little actions of love even when you don’t feel it; small actions that can lead to significant transformation in your marriage.

For example, a couple who had been married for years began to experience a disconnection in their marriage. There was just a general lack of affection. She felt neglected and unloved, he felt taken for granted and unappreciated.

One day, she decides to make a conscious effort to act in love, even though she doesn’t feel it. She starts by expressing gratitude for the things he does, no matter how small.

At first, he is surprised by her sudden change in behaviour. He initially suspects that she has an ulterior motive but as her actions become more consistent, he begins to feel a sense of warmth and appreciation.

In response to her actions, he starts to reciprocate her kindness and affection and their relationship gradually begins to improve.

It takes only one person to end a cycle of disconnection in a marriage. The only way this cycle can be broken is when one partner (or both) decides to give love regardless of personal feelings.

It sets an example that, even in the face of challenges, you are willing to demonstrate love consistently. The trick is that once you start, your partner is almost obliged to reciprocate.

Loving unconditionally is sometimes sacrificial but it is also transformative

3. Act in Love without Waiting to Feel in Love

Don’t waste your time waiting to feel in love before you act in love. Act in love like you are feeling in love then you will empower the feelings of love to come back. Love that last is the one that acts.

What does it mean to act in love before feeling it? It means, rather than just sit and wait for the feelings of love you felt at the beginning to come back, take active steps to demonstrate them.

Many couples find themselves stuck in the waiting game hoping that their partner will change or that the feelings they had at the beginning will miraculously rekindle.

This approach does not reignite the spark that you crave. On the other hand, it does the opposite–it can lead to frustration and in worst cases, the end of your relationship.

The kind of love that lasts is the one that is actively cultivated. It is not based on fleeting emotions or superficial attraction. It is deeply rooted in actively looking out for the well-being of your partner and demonstrating love in little ways every day.

Practice Tips for Acting in Love

  1. Make a conscious effort to express gratitude for your partner’s actions, no matter how small.
  2. Prioritize spending quality time together, doing activities that you both enjoy.
  3. Communicate respectfully and kindly. 
  4. Offer emotional support and encouragement during difficult times.
  5. Practicing forgiveness by letting go of resentment and bitterness. Choose to let go of issues that are inconsequential to your relationship.

In Summary

Everything I have been talking about boils down to one thing- What you do in your marriage.

Not taking action to help your marriage is taking action to destroy it. It is not okay to have good intentions. Are your intentions matching your actions? 

I know you may feel overwhelmed and not sure how to act or even where to begin especially if there has been a long-term feeling of disconnection in your marriage. And that is why I created The 30-Day Couples Reconnecting Challenge.

Join the next 30-Day Couples Reconnecting Challenge where I coach couples on investing in the right actions to change their marriage. Remember, your marriage will only respond to consistent actions and that’s what I coach you to do in 30 days. 

In 30 days, you will build a culture of investing in loving actions, communicating right and rebuilding trust in your marriage. The good thing is you can hang onto this even after 30 days. 

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Ruth Esumeh

Ruth Esumeh is the founder of Ruth’s Marriage, a marriage counseling and relationship coaching company. She is a Certified Marriage Counselor and Therapist helping couples enjoy marriage, God’s way! Follow Ruth on all social media platforms.

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Confidentiality Policy

1. INTRODUCTION

At Ruth’s Marriage, we are committed to providing a safe and confidential environment for our clients. This confidentiality policy outlines how we handle your personal information and the limits to confidentiality that may apply during the course of marriage counseling sessions. 

2. Confidentiality Assurance 

2.1 Client-Counselor Privilege: All information shared during marriage counseling sessions is confidential. This means that your counselor will not disclose any information without your explicit written consent, except as required by law or ethical standards (see section 3). 

2.3 Protection of Records: Client records, including session notes, assessments, and any other documentation, will be securely stored and only accessible to authorized personnel as outlined in section 4. 

3. Limits to Confidentiality 

3.1 Domestic Abuse or Physical Abuse: If there is a reasonable report of physical abuse, we are legally obligated to inform the victim to report this to the appropriate authorities. 

3.2 Threats of Harm: If you pose a serious threat of harm to yourself or others, we may need to take steps to ensure safety, which may include disclosing relevant information to appropriate parties, such as law enforcement or medical professionals. 

3.3 Court Orders: If a court orders the release of your counseling records, we may be required to comply with such an order. 

3.4 Supervision and Consultation: Your counselor may consult with other mental health professionals for supervision and training purposes. In such cases, your identity will be kept confidential. 

4. Access to Client Information

4.1 Authorized Personnel: Only authorized personnel, including your counselor, and administrative staff, of Ruth’s Marriage will have access to your information. 

4.2 Security Measures: We take all reasonable measures to protect your personal information, both in paper and electronic formats, from unauthorized access, disclosure, or alteration. 

5. Client Consent 

Before any disclosure beyond the limits outlined in this policy is made, we will seek your explicit written consent, explaining the purpose and recipients of the information to be disclosed. 

6. Record Retention 

Client records will be retained for a period determined by applicable laws and ethical standards. After the retention period expires, records will be securely destroyed. 

7. Questions and Concerns 

If you have any questions or concerns about our confidentiality policy, please feel free to discuss them with your counselor or write us at ruthsmarriage@gmail.com 

8. Policy Updates 

We may update this confidentiality policy from time to time to reflect changes in laws, regulations, or our counseling practices. You will be notified of any significant changes.

Cancellation Policy

A $50 fee (converted to your currency rate at the point of payment).

CANCELLATIONS AND MISSED APPOINTMENTS 

The client is expected to arrive on time for each booked session. A cancelled or postponed appointment slows down our work and might have a negative influence on other clients. Because your appointments include the reserve of time expressly for you, and out of mutual respect for each other and our other clients, postponing or cancelling an appointment requires a minimum of 24 hours’ notice in advance. 

Please note, that if you abruptly decide to discontinue your session(s) mid-way or you do not show up after payment has been made, there will be no refund.

You can always reschedule your dates provided you have given at least 24hours notice according to the cancellation policy as stated above 

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED 

This means if your appointment is supposed to be 9am on Wednesday and you wish to cancel, we expect to have received your email by 9am on Tuesday, then we can waive the cancellation fee. If we receive your cancellation later than that, then you will be charged the cancellation fee to have another appointment. Note that if your appointment is on a Monday, the cancellation needs to be provided no later than the prior Friday, by your appointment time, to be considered proper 24-hour notice. 

If you can, we would appreciate more than 24-hour notice so that we can make that time available to other clients. 

As a result, if you find out before the mandatory 24-hour notice that you will be unable to attend our session, please send an email so that we can fill your slot and place another client in your space who may require it. Counseling appointments are designated exclusively for our customers and are booked in advance. We are unable to cover this time slot by providing it to another client when a session is canceled without adequate notice. The email to send a cancellation notification to is ruthsmarriage@gmail.com 

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED 

This cancellation policy is only waived in the event of a serious sickness or emergency. Car accidents, family deaths, and severe illness are all examples of emergencies. In this case, if you are not physically able to cancel your appointment, you can get someone to write us an email on your behalf. Our cancellation policy applies even if the missed appointment was unintended. 

Work-related issues are not emergencies. 

Late Cancellation Fees Process: Any session missed due to a cancellation less than 24 hours in advance will be assessed at $50/standard fee. You will be charged even if the cancellation was due to work or if you rescheduled the appointment without adequate notice. We will send you a payment link immediately to pay the cancellation fee before you can have another appointment or continue your sessions. 

WAIT TIME GRACE PERIOD 

Your wait time is kept to a minimum. Due to the length of time provided for each appointment, it is critical that you arrive on time for your appointments. If you are more than 10 minutes late to your appointment, we will have no choice but to reschedule your appointment and you will be responsible for the $50 fee of a no show. To avoid paying no show fees, we require at least twenty-four (24) hours’ notice for all cancellations (as described above). Both counselor and client have a grace period of 10 minutes. 

RECURRING SESSIONS: CANCELLATION FEE PAYMENT ENFORCEMENT 

For recurring therapy/counselling sessions, when you miss a session without adequate notice, you will pay the cancellation fee of $50 for that session, before another session. The same standard above applies for each session. 

Ruth’s Marriage Counselling Services sends automated email reminders of forthcoming appointments as a courtesy. Whether or not you receive the text or email reminder, it is your sole duty to keep track of and attend any planned appointments/sessions on time. If your phone number or email address changes, please notify us via email. 

We appreciate your understanding and our policy is hinged on the fact that a late cancel or no-show hurts at least three people: you, the counsellor, and another client who could have potentially utilized your time slot 

TERMINATION OF APPOINTMENT (SIX WEEKS THERAPY) 

Your therapy sessions have a time limit of 4months before it’s terminated. This means that if you do not show up to complete your six weeks session within 4 months from your start date, the therapy sessions will be automatically terminated and you will have to make additional payment based on the amount of the sessions at the time you come back 

In the event that you don’t want to make the payment, we will deduct the equivalency fee from the sessions you have taken and refund you the differential. 

This is because therapy sessions need consistency and continuity for it to be effective, and also our practice is only profitable with good use of time. So we encourage that once you start, please be consistent and committed to it. 

THANK YOU 

We value you and are committed to your journey, however, we can only accomplish this with your understanding of the obligations set forth in this policy. Time is of the essence in our practice and we encourage good use of time to accommodeate more clients who need help. Thank you!

I agree to the Confidentiality Policy and Cancellation Policy.

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