We can’t become intimate when we are not actively doing things that will make us intimate.
Just because we married who we love does not mean we will automatically be intimate. At the onset of a new relationship or marriage, we easily put in so much effort and consistency because there’s a feeling of newness that motivates us. The excitement of learning from each other, the thrill of shared experiences, and the joy of building a life together keep us engaged.
But as life settles in and the initial spark fades, we unconsciously start to put in less effort. Love becomes routine, conversations become transactional, and emotional distance creeps in. Without intentionality, couples can drift into a space of disconnection, wondering where the passion went.
The truth is that intimacy doesn’t happen by accident; it is built. It requires deliberate actions, vulnerability, and a commitment to nurturing the relationship daily. Here are 5 key ways intimacy is built in marriage:
1. When we move from talking about just tasks and activities to sharing more of ourselves and our innermost feelings with each other
Many couples fall into the trap of only discussing tasks and logistics, for example, asking questions like “Did you pay the bills? Or What’s for dinner? Or When will you be home?”
While these conversations are necessary, they don’t foster intimacy. True emotional connection happens when we share our innermost thoughts, fears, dreams, and feelings. Intimacy in marriage is built by having vulnerable verbal communication like “I miss you. Can we schedule some quality time together this weekend? Or I have been feeling anxious about work lately and would love some encouragement from you, or When we argued earlier, I felt hurt because….”
When you open up, you invite your partner into your emotional world. This builds empathy, deepens trust, and strengthens the emotional bond between you.
If you haven’t been doing this before, you can start by setting aside 10-15 minutes daily to talk about something beyond chores or responsibilities.
2. When we teach each other how we want to be loved and learn what our partners need from us in different seasons
Intimacy evolves over time, it’s not static. What worked in the first year of your marriage may not work in the fifth or tenth year. People change, circumstances shift, and needs fluctuate. For example: Your partner may need more practical help in a season where work is overwhelming, or They may crave more physical touch (hugs, kisses, cuddles) during a stressful period, or They might need more words of affirmation if they’re feeling insecure.
The key to building Intimacy in marriage is to learn and relearn each other. You can do this by asking questions like “How can I love you better in this season? Or What do you need from me right now?”
When you pay attention and adjust, you create a marriage that grows rather than stagnates.
3. When we learn how to enjoy the mundane things and not wait for special intimate moments
Most couples wait for grand gestures like anniversaries, vacations, or date nights to feel connected. But intimacy is built in marriage during the ordinary everyday moment.
Simple activities like cooking together while laughing over a silly joke, holding hands during a car ride and singing along to a favourite song, or lounging on the couch, doing nothing but enjoying each other’s presence, help build intimacy more than any grand display of love you can think of.
These small moments accumulate and create a deep sense of belonging. You can find joy in the little things by putting away distractions (like phones and TV) and just being together, even if it’s just for a few minutes.
4. When we choose to focus on the positives rather than the negatives
No marriage is perfect. Every couple has flaws, disagreements, and moments of frustration. But the couples who remain intimate are those who choose to focus more on the good parts.
Instead of thinking: my partner doesn’t love me anymore, or my partner is being so selfish. Focus on their positive sides and start thinking “Maybe they’re overwhelmed and need love too, or They’ve been working hard; I should appreciate their effort.”
This doesn’t mean ignoring real issues, it means approaching them with grace rather than resentment. To help you focus on the positive traits of your partner, write down 3 things you appreciate about your spouse daily, and share at least one with them.
5. When we put in effort daily to show love, and affection and give attention to nurturing our spouses
Intimacy requires consistent effort. If you want to stay in love, you must actively nurture your relationship.
One way intimacy is built in marriage is by showing your partner you love them daily, and here are a few ways you can do this; A random text that says “I’m thinking of you”, a hug when they least expect it, and listening without interrupting when they share their thoughts.
Love isn’t just about grand gestures; it’s the little, consistent actions that say, “I love you, and I choose you every day.”
Wrapping Up
If your marriage feels disconnected, know this: it is never too late to rebuild intimacy. But it won’t happen by wishing, it takes intentional actions.
What I teach couples is how to maintain that intimacy through guided intentional actions that work, effective communication and vulnerability, plus knowing how to put in the work and not just carry on through the day with actions that don’t yield results
I can’t do all of these through one-on-one sessions; I don’t have the time, and my calendar is always fully booked with waiting clients. So it’s my motivation for creating The 28 DAYS LOVERS AGAIN CHALLENGE – so you can do the work yourself with guided tools and coaching by me.
Many marriages have rekindled intimacy from previous challenges, and the next challenge starts soon; join now!!
