It doesn’t really matter what family you come from; what matters is the kind of family you are now creating. Are you consciously creating the type of family you want? Or are you allowing old patterns, and unresolved trauma, and unconscious habits to dictate the dynamics of the family you are building? The truth is, the family you create is a reflection of the choices you make every single day. It starts with the two of you—the husband and the wife—and the intentional decisions you make to shape your family’s future.
Creating the kind of family you want is a continuous process that requires awareness, effort, and a commitment to breaking free from the past while building something new and meaningful. Whether you come from a loving, supportive family or one that was filled with challenges, the power to change that narrative and create a different legacy is in your hands. Below are some perspectives to help you create the kind of family you desire:
1. The Family You Come From Does Not Matter, What Matters is the Family You are Now Creating
The family you were born into wasn’t your choice. You had no control over the values, dynamics and behaviours that shaped your upbringing. However, the family you are creating now is entirely under your control. This is your chance to redefine what family means to you.
Lots of people often carry the weight of their upbringing into their own families, repeating the same patterns they experienced or witnessed as children. For instance, if you grew up in a household where communication was poor, you might find yourself struggling to express your feelings openly in your marriage or with your kids. Or say you came from a family where conflict was avoided at all costs, you will likely struggle to address issues head-on in your relationships.
The key to fighting these patterns is recognising them and consciously deciding to do things differently. You are not a prisoner of the past. You have the power to create a new narrative for your family; one that aligns with your goals, values and visions for the future.
2. The Family You Come From Was Not Your Choice. But Now You Can CHOOSE to INTENTIONALLY Create the Kind of Family You Want
One of the most empowering realisation you can have is that you are not a prisoner of your past. While you didn’t get to choose the family you were born into, you absolutely get to choose the kind of family you want to come from you. This is where intentionality comes to play.
Being intentional means you are making deliberate decisions about the kind of family you want to build. It means setting clear goals, establishing shared values and creating systems that support the type of family you envision. For example, let’s say you want a family that prioritises open communication, you should establish regular family meetings where everyone has a chance to share their thoughts and feelings. If you want a want a family that values quality time, you should create traditions like weekly game nights, or monthly outings.
Intentionality also means being proactive about addressing challenges. The truth is every family faces difficulties, but how you handle them makes all the difference. Instead of falling back on old habits or reacting on impulse, take a step back and ask yourself “what kind of family do I really want to create and how do I respond to this situation in a way that aligns with that vision?”
3. The Family You Come From May Have Caused You Trauma, But You Can Choose to Heal and Change Generational Patterns
For many people, the family they come from is a source of constant pain and trauma. This experience comes in different forms like unresolved conflicts, emotional neglect or unhealthy behaviours, which can leave lasting scars. However, the presence of this trauma doesn’t have to define the family you create. In fact, one of the most powerful things you can do is break the cycle of generational patterns and create a new legacy for your children.
Healing from past traumas is not easy, but it’s definitely possible. It starts with you acknowledging the pain and seeking the support you need to work through it. This might involve counseling, therapy or having an honest conversation about your experiences and how they have shaped you with your partner.
As you heal, you will discover that you are better equipped to create a family environment that is nurturing, supportive and free from the patterns that caused you you pain. For instance, if you grew up in a family where anger was expressed in destructive ways (like fighting, screaming and destroying properties), you can choose to model healthy conflict resolution for your children. Also, if you experienced emotional neglect, you can prioritise emotional connection and validation in your own family.
Breaking generational patterns is not just about avoiding the mistakes of the past, it’s about actively creating something better. It’s about showing your children and spouse that they are loved, valued, and supported in ways you may not have experienced yourself.
4. Building a Happy Family is Not by Chance. It’s by Choice
A happy family doesn’t just happen, it’s built through intentional choices and consistent efforts. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that family life should come naturally, but the reality is that strong, healthy families are a result of hard work and dedication.
One of the most important decisions you can make is to prioritise your with your spouse. Your marriage is the foundation of your family, and when it’s strong, everything else will fall into place. This means making time for each other, communicating openly, and working together as a team.
Another important choice is to create a family culture that reflects your values. This might involve setting boundaries, establishing routines and creating traditions that brings your family closer together. For example, you might decide that family dinners are non-negotiable, or that every Sunday is dedicated to spending quality time together.
Building a happy family means being willing to adapt and grow. Life is highly unpredictable, and there will be challenges along the way. The key is to approach these challenges with a mindset of resilience and a commitment to your family’s well being.
Wrapping Up
Finally, creating a family you want is one of the most rewarding things you will ever do. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. By choosing to break free from the past, heal from trauma and build a family that reflects your values, you are not just changing your own life—you are creating a legacy that will last for generations.
So take the first step today. Set your goals, have those important conversations with your partner, and commit to building the family you have always wanted. With intentional effort, and love, you can create a family that’s strong, happy and deeply connected.
And if you need a little help along the way, the Couples Checkup Workbook is here to guide you. This workbook helps you to first rate your overall relationship satisfaction; set up marriage goals and expectations to set you both on the right track.
With the workbook, you can set your marriage goals for the year. It has been categorized into weekly, quarterly and yearly templates to help you create goals, and systems and structure effective check-ups throughout the year. Together, you and your partner can create a family that is everything you’ve ever dreamed of.
Incase your marriage is struggling and you are in a season of disconnection, I will recommend you to join one of our bestselling couples self help program, the 28 Days Lovers Again Challenge! The next challenge starts April 1st!
Always remember, you can create the family you desire.
