Marriage is a partnership, a beautiful, messy, and sometimes exhausting journey where both people are supposed to show up, love, and put in the work. But what happens when it feels like you’re the only one carrying the weight? When every conversation, every act of service, and every attempt to keep the spark alive seems one-sided?
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, Why does it always have to be me?, you’re not alone. Many spouses, at some point, feel like they’re the only ones putting in the effort. And while this may be the reality in some cases, I’ve also worked with enough couples to know that sometimes, it’s not as black and white as it seems.
The danger, though, is letting that feeling fester. When left unchecked, it can breed resentment, emotional distance, and a slow erosion of connection.
So, if you’re in this space right now, feeling exhausted, unappreciated, or even invisible in your own marriage let me help. Below, I’ve broken down 5 vital steps to help you navigate this season with wisdom, clarity, and intentionality.
1. Acknowledge your feelings, but don’t treat it like a fact
Your emotions are valid. If you feel like you’re doing all the heavy lifting, that frustration is real. But here’s the thing: feelings are not always facts.
Just because you feel like your spouse isn’t contributing doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t trying in their own way. Maybe their efforts look different from yours. Maybe they’re struggling silently with something you don’t yet know about. Or maybe, yes, they have disengaged, but you won’t know for sure until you explore it.
Instead of wallowing in your feelings when you feel like you are the only one putting in the effort in your marriage, first, take a step back and write down your feelings. This can help you separate your emotions from facts, then ask yourself, “Is this a pattern, or am I reacting to a temporary situation?”
Your feelings are a signal, not a verdict. Treat them as a starting point for deeper understanding, not the final word on your marriage.
2. Reflect on Why You Feel This Way – Is this a Temporary Feeling or a Static One?
Not all feelings of imbalance are created equal. Sometimes, life gets overwhelming—work stress, parenting demands, health issues, and one (or both) of you may unintentionally pull back. Other times, the imbalance is chronic, leaving one partner feeling perpetually drained.
So when you feel like you are the only one putting in the effort, ask yourself: “Has something recently changed? (Probably a new job, a family crisis, a personal struggle?) , Is this a recurring issue, or does it come in waves?, and, Are there areas where my spouse is contributing, but I’ve been overlooking them?”
Understanding the true picture of your own feelings will help you navigate this more effectively. If this is a temporary phase, patience and communication may be all you need. But if it’s a long-standing issue, it’s time for a deeper conversation.
3. Talk to your Spouse About How You Feel. Not Accuse Them
This is where many couples go wrong. When frustration builds, it’s easy to launch into accusations: Most people will tell their spouses “You never help!” “You don’t care!” But that approach usually backfires, putting your spouse on the defensive rather than opening the door for real change.
Instead, when you feel like you are the only one putting in the effort in your marriage, use “I” statements: say “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, like I’m carrying a lot on my own.” Then you need to avoid generalization. Instead of “You never help,” say, “I’ve noticed I’ve been handling most of the household chores, and I’d love to figure out a better balance”. Also, try to know their perspective and ask questions that invite conversations like “How have you been feeling about things lately?”
The goal isn’t to blame but to understand. You might discover that your spouse feels the same way or that they’ve been struggling in ways you didn’t realize. Focus on sharing your feelings rather than pointing fingers.
4. Evaluate the true Situation together with Curiosity
Once you’ve opened the conversation, dig deeper as a team. Often, mismatched expectations or unseen stressors are at play.
Ask important questions like “Are there areas where they feel like they are contributing more? (Sometimes, effort isn’t obvious—like emotional support, financial provision, or behind-the-scenes tasks.), Is there something going on in their life that’s draining their energy? (Like stress, depression, burnout?), and Do you have different love languages or ways of showing effort? (Maybe they express care in ways you don’t naturally notice.)”
Approach this with curiosity, not judgment. The more you understand each other’s perspectives, the easier it is to find solutions.
5. Align on your Expectations. It doesn’t have to be 50/50 but it has to feel Fair
Marriage isn’t about keeping score. Some days, one partner carries 70%; other days, it’s the reverse. But over time, it should feel balanced.
When you feel like you are the only one putting in the effort in your marriage, here is how you can create a fair dynamic;
Define what effort means to both of you. Is it quality time? Acts of service? Emotional availability? Then, talk about specific areas where you would like more support; these could be household chores, planning dates, and initiating intimacy. Also, you should schedule regular check-ins, like a monthly marriage meeting; this can help you realign before resentment builds.
Remember: Fair doesn’t always mean equal. It means both partners feel valued, respected and supported.
Wrapping Up
Before assuming your spouse doesn’t care, consider this: maybe you’re just out of sync. Life gets busy, communication breaks down, and before you know it, you’re feeling like roommates rather than lovers.
That’s why I created The Reconnected Couples Workbook, a practical guide to help you and your spouse have these important conversations and align on your expectations . It walks you through: identifying where you’re out of alignment, communicating needs without blame, and creating a plan to reconnect
Many couples (including my own marriage) have found this workbook transformative. To grab a copy, click here. OR
If your marriage needs deeper work, join the 28 DAYS LOVERS AGAIN CHALLENGE a guided program that helps to rebuild intimacy, communication, and partnership. And if you’d like personalized support, I offer private coaching sessions. Click on the link here for details.
