The bedrock of every healthy relationship or marriage is built on the ability of couples to not just communicate but be able to do it effectively
As John Powell said, ”Communication works for those who work at it.” This means that communication is a skill that we can all get better at.
In a healthy marriage, yes there must be a safe space to communicate our feelings and needs. However, if our communication is not laced with wisdom and presented effectively, it would become ineffective.
You can’t effectively communicate if you only consider what you want to say. Communication is not just about being heard, it’s about the two people understanding each other.
Here are some communication mistakes that you make that could lead to conflict in your marriage:
1. Your Timing is Wrong
Yes, you should say what you feel and communicate but you should also know when to say what needs to be said – you must be sure that your partner has the emotional capacity to process what you are saying and respond at that time.
As couples, you need to achieve a balance between healthy communication and emotional intelligence.
If your partner is already stressed or worn out or upset, bringing up a sensitive topic might lead to a fight building up. It’s either they may not pay attention to what you are saying or their response might be heated.
The better approach is to pick a time where you are both calm and collected. Pay attention to your partner’s body language and emotions before bringing up a difficult conversation.
A simple question such as “Hey, babe, are you okay if we talk about something bothering me right now?” can go a long way in preventing escalating situations.
Effective communication is not just about you speaking. It’s also checking if it’s the right time.
2. Your Startup is Harsh
When your communication starts with an angry tone, an accusation, a negative attitude, it becomes harsh. Harshness will likely yield your partner into panic mode and they may want to protect themselves so they become defensive.
Fun fact: Our nervous system automatically reacts to negativity as a threat.
When you start a conversation with your partner on a harsh note, it triggers the flight or fight response and can either make them want to go on the defensive or totally shut down communication.
Secondly, no one likes negativity. It is difficult to think clearly or process information if someone is shouting or talking down on you. On this note, instead of feeling safe to share their view, your partner might feel attacked and withdraw from the conversation.
Start with a calm tone and process your words before you speak. A gentle start up has more potential to yield a positive outcome in your communication.
As discussed earlier, it is better to have difficult conversations when you are calm and collected. Use “I” statements to help you express your feelings and “we” statements to communicate working together towards finding a solution.
3. You Are Not Clear and Direct with Your Words
Your spouse is not a mind reader so when you do not give clarity and be direct with what you need, your communication has the potential to lead to wrong assumptions, conclusions and frustrations.
Except your partner is a member of the Harry Potter community, there is no way that they can magically know what you want or need without communicating it to them.
When you make vague or unclear statements, you leave blanks that they have to fill in based on how they interpret it. And most times, these interpretations can be far from accurate.
There is also those subtle passive-aggressive behaviour that comes from bottled frustrations or resentments you have left to build over time.
Instead of vague and unclear statements, explain your feelings in a more relatable way. For example, rather than say “I’m unhappy,” let your partner know the specific action or situation that made you unhappy.
Also, don’t just point out problems; clearly communicate what you expect from them. For instance, instead of “You never help me with the house chores,” try “I feel overwhelmed with housework. Could you assist with doing some chores with me?
4. You Don’t Speak with Kindness, Love and Respect
The Bible talks about speaking the truth in love. If your communication is not presented with respect, kindness and love, it will most likely lead to conflict.
People say the truth is bitter but even bitter leaf can be made in a soup that everyone likes.
Most time, it is not the speech itself that hurts but how it is delivered. True communication comes from a place of love and care for your partner.
If you address every issue with a fierce attitude, you will make having difficult conversations, difficult.
Before you communicate, ask yourself – will it be respectful, kind and laced with love?
In Summary
As a marriage counselor, one of my goals has been to help couples embrace better communication and vulnerability in their marriage.
Better communication leads to better connection. The bond you share as a couple can be strengthened if you both listen and communicate with each other.
Join my 30-day Couples Reconnecting Challenge now to learn practical ways to increase the bond in your marriage – Sign up here.
