Do you ever feel like there are some things you wish your partner was doing that they are not? And because of these inactions, you feel dissatisfied or unloved?
While expectations are normal in every relationship, relying solely on them for happiness in your marriage sets you up for disappointment.
No marriage is perfect. The beauty of marriage is those imperfections that you work on together as a couple. When you use expectations to judge if your marriage is a success or not, you will overlook the positive aspects of your marriage to focus on the moments those expectations aren’t met.
Often, we go into marriage assuming our partner will fulfil most of our wants and need, and act in ways that we desire. We forget that our spouses are individual people with their own needs and desires.
Your partner may not always intuitively know what you expect from them. Besides, fulfilling every expectation you have can be unrealistic.
How Do Expectations Work?
You see, our expectations are shaped by the experiences we’ve had, where we’ve been and what we know. Personal experiences play a key role.
If you have experienced a situation before, you’ll most likely expect the same event to occur in the future. For example, if you got burnt by a stove as a child, you’ll be cautious around a stove as an adult.
Imagine a child who gets rewarded for every good behaviour. They will develop an expectation that everyone rewards good deeds, which isn’t always true.
Thus, expectations help us anticipate what we should expect. So, we judge situations based on how they meet our expectations. Did your partner help you open the door? Great! But if not, you feel disappointed.
In your marriage, it is okay to have expectations. However, seeing that your partner may not be able to fulfil all of your expectations, what do you do when these expectations are not being met.
To answer this, you have to yourself three questions –
1. Clear Communication
- “Have I clearly communicated this expectation and it’s benefit to our relationship to my spouse?”
Before you feel resentful towards your partner for not meeting your expectations, did you express your expectations in a way that is easy for them to understand?
Did you explain how fulfilling this expectation would positively impact your relationship? Did you frame it in terms of “us” and a shared goal?
If your partner does not fully understand what you expect, they can’t meet it intentionally. And if they know why it means so much to you, it can make them put in the effort to make it work.
For instance, “I feel less burdened when you help me with chores.” Then you go ahead to let them know why. It is better than holding resentment that they never assist with the chores.
2. Realistic or Unrealistic Expectations
- Is this expectation realistic or am I only considering my personal fantasies?
Expectations are personal; they are the things you expect or require from your partner. Before you approach your spouse about their inactions, you need to consider if your expectations are grounded in reality or simply a fantasy.
Remember I said earlier that our expectations are built from experiences we’ve had. If you’ve had a similar situation before, you might expect the situation to occur in the present as it did in the past.
Are your expectations realistic or are they wrapped up in fairytale fantasies influenced by society? For example, you might expect a grand gesture every day or a perfect romantic partner. Is that really realistic?
Instead, focus more on the core qualities that make your relationship healthy. Your partner may not be the touchy type, but they express their affection for you through gifts or service.
It is most important to focus on behaviour rather than the outcome you expect. If your partner is actively making efforts to contribute to the health of your relationship, make efforts to appreciate these and it would be easier to communicate new expectations to them
3. Self-Awareness
- What can I do to take responsibility for my expectations to be met instead of being resentful?
The go-to action to unmet expectations is to be resentful towards your partner. “I expect this from you but you’re not meeting up which makes me unhappy being with you.”
But really, does this change anything? You will end up having an environment of stiffness in your marriage. Each partner walks on eggshells around the other.
Rather than resort to this weak approach of getting your expectations heard and met, how do you take responsibility for the things you expect?
First of all, reflect on your expectations. Are they realistic? What are you hoping for in your relationship?
Once you’ve been able to establish the things you really need, then think of ways to be an active participant in getting your needs met.
Finally, work with your partner. Have a ‘we’ mentality instead of ‘me’ mentality.
In Summary
In my experience working with couples, I have seen how expectations can lead to frustration and eventually the breakdown of a marriage.
Marriage is a partnership and healthy couples desire what is best for each other. However, to know this, you will have to communicate often about what you expect.
This is not a one-time conversation. It is a continuous conversation that happens as your marriage evolves because change is inevitable.
Before you conclude on being resentful, join my 30-Day Couples Reconnecting Challenge. One of the things you’ll learn is how to clearly communicate your needs clearly in a secure partnership.
