As a counsellor I have had the privilege of working with a lot of individuals and couples, helping them work through the complexities of marriage. One thing that has become increasingly clear to me is that many people are unintentionally sabotaging their own marriage. Some of these actions may be a result of misconceptions or simple ignorance, or unrealistic expectations about marriage.
In this article, we will explore four common ways you may be sabotaging your marriage without even realizing it.
1. You are overly critical and fault-finding of your spouse
When you are constantly complaining, criticizing or blaming your spouse, you are creating a toxic environment that is very detrimental to your marriage.
Research has shown that marriages are more likely to thrive when the positive-to-negative interaction ratio is at least 5:1. This means that for every negative interaction with your spouse, you should have at least 5 positive ones.
Make a conscious effort to create a positive and supportive environment in your marriage. Focus on acknowledging and appreciating the positive qualities of your spouse. Practice being patient and understanding with them while working on resolving any issues between the both of you respectfully. Nothing thrives in an environment where there is so much negativity.
2. You are so focused on them becoming perfect
Do you find yourself constantly nitpicking, judging and criticizing your spouse? Are you quick to point out their flaws and mistakes, while overlooking their accomplishments and positive qualities? If yes, then you may be sabotaging your marriage without even knowing it.
When you focus too much on your partner’s imperfections, you are creating a toxic environment that breeds resentment and frustration. Your spouse may begin to feel like they need to walk on eggshells around you because they don’t know when you will lash out at them again. This can lead to a breakdown in communication, intimacy and, if stretched, your marriage.
It’s important to acknowledge that nobody is perfect and that your partner is going to make mistakes. Rather than focusing on their flaws and criticizing them, try to acknowledge and appreciate their positive qualities, while working on communicating your concerns to them constructively and respectfully.
3. You stopped focusing on yourself, your own needs and your happiness.
Another way you may be sabotaging your marriage is by losing focus of your own needs, happiness and desires. When you become too focused on your partner’s life, you tend to forget to prioritize your own well-being. This makes you become an unattractive partner to be with.
It’s important you maintain a sense of individuality and autonomy in marriage, you don’t have to lose yourself because you are married. Take out time to pursue your own interests and passion, while prioritizing your physical, emotional and mental health.
When you are happy and fulfilled as an individual, you are more likely to be a positive, supportive and loving partner. So take time to focus on yourself and your happiness, engage in activities that bring you joy, and prioritize your own needs as long as they are not detrimental to your marriage.
4. You are constantly in “fix my spouse” mode
Are you constantly trying to fix your spouse? Do you always send them articles, and videos that say they are not doing enough or advice on how to improve themselves or your marriage? If so, you are on the path of sabotaging your marriage and you don’t even know it.
When you are in a constant “fix my spouse” mode, you come off as judgemental, and controlling. Your partner may start to feel like they are not good enough for you or that they are always falling short of your expectations. This can make them begin to resent you and develop low self-esteem issues.
Rather than trying to fix your spouse, focus on your own growth and development and let your partner do the same. Work on becoming the best version of yourself and you are more likely to be able to influence them, and acknowledge that you both have your strengths and weaknesses. Acknowledging and accepting each other for who you are will strengthen the bond between the both of you.
Wrapping Up
Finally, sabotaging your marriage can be a very subtle and unintentional process. However, if you recognize these patterns and make a conscious effort to change, you can create a more positive, supportive and loving environment in your marriage.
Meanwhile, if you are struggling to identify areas where you may be sabotaging your marriage or you think there are underlying issues that need to be resolved, I recommend you get my Couples Checkup Workbook. This workbook helps you both have focused conversations about your marriage and do an evaluation together with practical goals to move it forward.
If you want to deepen the intimacy in your marriage, then I recommend you sign up for The 28Days Lovers Again Challenge. It starts on March 1st.
