Managing conflicts in your marriage is less about avoiding disagreements and more about approaching them with a constructive mindset.
One of the main challenges that couples face in marriages is the ability to regulate their emotions while handling conflicts. It is normal to have an emotional response when disagreeing with your spouse.
However, when you do not know how to regulate your emotions and let your emotions control you, you can act on impulse and act in a way you shouldn’t, leading to more harm than resolution.
In this article, I will be sharing on emotional regulation.
For a more comprehensive approach to constructive communication, checkups and conflict management in marriage, I recommend you to grab my effective resource “The 3Cs Guide”.
So let’s dive into emotional regulation:
1. Take time to respond, not react
When you feel like you need to say it now, take some time to process it. Urgency must be questioned. Urgency is a sign that you are reactive, not responsive.
In any disagreement with your partner, when you feel the need to act urgently, it often comes from a state of heightened emotion. This is more likely to result in you reacting rather than responding.
Reacting is driven by the need to defend yourself, prove a point or retaliate. It is an impulsive emotional act that happens automatically and can escalate conflicts quickly.
Responding is a more thoughtful approach. It allows you to pause and think about the action you are about to take before taking it. When emotions flare up, you often feel the need to say something immediately to correct, defend or express your displeasure. This sense of urgency means you are not in control of your emotions; instead, your emotions are controlling you.
To have better conflicts, it is important to take a step back and ask yourself, “Do I really need to say this now?” or “Am I reacting out of emotion, or can I wait until I’m calmer?”—you create a pause that allows you to re-engage your logical thinking.
Whenever you feel the rush to speak or act, take a moment to breathe deeply. This pause allows your brain to switch from the emotional (reactive) part to the logical (responsive) part.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to delay your response. When you do respond, try to express your feelings using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel upset when…”) instead of accusatory “You” statements, which can escalate conflicts.
2. Think Positive Things About Your Partner
When your thoughts about your spouse go from 10-0 very quickly, take a pause and remind yourself of the positive things about your spouse.
In moments of disagreement with your spouse, emotions can escalate quickly. One moment, you are thinking straight and the next, your emotions are spiralling down the drain.
The person you used to view as loving and caring suddenly becomes a person with all these negative traits. Once you begin to view your partner in a negative light, this mental perception will make it difficult to engage in conflicts rationally.
If you are not careful, you may start to recall past experiences which can heighten your emotional state.
When you feel that quick shift from positive to negative, take a pause. During this pause, it is important to resist the urge to speak or lash out on impulse.
Actively remind yourself of the positive qualities of your spouse to counterbalance the immediate negative feeling you may be having at that moment.
The benefit of doing this is that it shifts your focus away from the negative emotional reaction to a more positive or neutral stance. It prevents you from reacting.
When you pause and reflect on the positive aspects of your spouse, it also helps you build empathy toward them. You remember that they are not just the source of frustration in this moment, but someone you care about and value.
3. Be Accountable for Your Actions Too
When everything you want to do is blame them and tell them how wrong they are. Hold on, look inward and identify what you also did wrong in the argument.
During an argument, the impulse to point out how wrong your partner is or shift the blame towards them usually comes in strong. However, this outward projection usually worsens the conflict because it puts them on the defensive.
Before you know it, you are in a cycle of accusation and counter-accusation showing a lack of emotional maturity.
Blaming your partner can feel like a way to protect yourself from criticism or validate your emotions by making the conflict their fault. This doesn’t solve the conflict in any way.
In moments where you are overwhelmed by the desire to blame, take a moment to reflect on your own behaviour in the argument. Did you contribute to the escalation? Were there things you said or did that may have triggered or worsened the conflict?
Recognizing how you contributed to the conflict doesn’t diminish your feelings or invalidate your perspective. Rather, it allows you to take responsibility for your part, which can help de-escalate the situation.
When you are willing to take responsibility for your role in a disagreement, it shows you are more open to resolving the issue making it easier to communicate more calmly and respectfully.
4. Be aware of your triggers and reactions
When your voice suddenly becomes louder than normal. Yelling won’t make them hear more. Pause and breathe.
Raising your voice during an argument is an emotional response that shows you are angry, frustrated or feeling unheard. However, it has the opposite effect of what you intend- it makes your partner less receptive, increases emotional tension, and escalates the conflict.
When you yell, it often signals that you’re overwhelmed by your emotions and no longer aware of your reactions.
The louder your voice becomes, the less likely your partner will receive your message the way you intend. Yelling shifts the focus from the content of what you’re saying to the intensity of your tone, making your partner more likely to focus on your anger than on your message.
Yelling at your partner causes them to mentally clock out making it difficult for them to empathize with you or truly hear your perspective because they’re focused on the intensity of your emotions.
When you start to raise your voice, breathe deeply and take a pause. Instead of being driven by the reactive urge to raise your voice, you give yourself a moment to reset, which can prevent escalation and help you respond with more clarity. It’s called emotional awareness.
Wrapping Up
The key to resolving your conflicts lies in your communication technique as a couple. How well are you able to control your emotions when trying to effectively resolve disagreements through communication?
Gladly, I have broken down these tools and strategies to prevent escalations, unresolved issues and unmet needs in my guide, The 3Cs Guide. The guide is a game changer.
