In my years of counselling couples, I have come across different aspects of marriages that many people do not often talk about.
I will call these “truths” about marriages I’m about to share “Blunt Reminders”.
Now, some of these may not resonate with you, yet, however, as you progress in your marriage journey and reflect on each of these truths, you will understand why they are so vital to the success of any marriage
Ready to go for a ride? Here are 4 blunt truths about marriage most people won’t tell you
1. Your Spouse is The One
After you get married, your spouse is the one. Stop looking for what you don’t have and start nurturing what you have.
Before marriage, there’s a tendency to fantasize about your ideal potential partner. Nice voice, great build, pretty face, always understanding and the list goes on. However, marriage has a way of revealing strengths and weaknesses of partners.
In other words, no one is 100% perfect – not you or your partner.
The key to having a healthy marriage is knowing that every relationship lies in accepting who you have chosen and making what you have chosen work for you.
The partner you’re looking for is right with you, not outside of your marriage. A popular Nigerian adage says, “Stop looking for what is in your Ṣò-kò-tò (trousers) in Sokoto.”
Loosely translates, it means, the grass is greener where you water it, not where you admire it. Your partner is only as good as you want them to be when you nurture what you have.
The person you are eyeing outside your marriage or wishing your partner could be like also has their flaws. So I say, your spouse is the One! Water your own garden and watch it blossom
2. Your Spouse Will Not Love You the Way You Are
If you’re rude, mean, hot-tempered and an unfriendly spouse, your spouse will only love you from afar with the love of God. They will not want to be around you. Nobody wants to be around this kind of person. You have to work on yourself to become a better YOU and a better SPOUSE.
If you are not a safe place for your spouse, they will not love you the way you are. Have you ever been around people who seem to have an issue with everything? Or when they just walk in and the mood just instantly changes for the worse?
As a person and a partner, you must be self-aware enough to recognise your negative habits and behaviours that need to change so you can be a safe environment for your spouse to thrive in. No one functions or interacts best in a mean, negative environment. While your spouse should accept you, they should not accept your toxic behaviours.
For example, a disrespectful attitude takes off the foundation of respect and trust making it difficult for you and your spouse to build a healthy connection.
The first step to change like I said earlier is to recognize that you have a negative character that isn’t doing any good to your marriage and start to work actively towards becoming better. We all have to grow from our negative habits in order to build a successful relationship. If you need help, seek counselling/therapy to help you work through growth and healing.
3. Marriage Exposes All Hidden Traumas
Marriage will expose all your traumas, triggers, and insecurities. You will need to consciously face them and start to confront and heal. Always blaming your partner for your actions will not make you or the marriage better. Truth is, no one can bring out something in you that’s not already there.
A healthy marriage requires a deep level of self-awareness and vulnerability – a situation where there is no holding back between you and your spouse. While this is great, on the flip side, it can expose underlying emotional wounds that you may have been covering up.
As a spouse, you must be willing to share your innermost thoughts, feelings and fears with each other. When suppressed wounds are brought to the surface, it can sometimes cause conflicts, misunderstandings or emotional distress.
The funny thing is, sometimes, you unconsciously project these unresolved traumas onto your partner without knowing. For example, if as a child, you were constantly shut down when you had an opinion, you may be quick to defend yourself in conversing with your spouse
Rather than run from the past or blame your partner for an issue that stems from an underlying trauma, it is important to face and address these issues either as a couple or individually, if you’re not comfortable sharing that part of you. You may need to get individual therapy to help you uncover and unravel these traumas and work towards healing. The benefit of addressing this part of you can also lead to a more fulfilling relationship.
4. A great marriage is built, it’s not magically found
If you don’t prioritize your marriage, your marriage is not going to get better. Whatever you prioritize and give time and effort to will eventually become better. Giving your marriage scraps of you every day will leave your marriage feeling like scrap.
Time and energy are resources you do not have in plenty. When I say prioritize your marriage, I mean you must dedicate sufficient energy and attention to it. You must carefully build the kind of marriage you desire.
Relationships, like individuals, require nurturing to grow and thrive. If you neglect it, it doesn’t automatically get better.
Neglect, not paying attention to your partner, unmet needs and expectations are all negative feelings that can arise from treating your marriage like it doesn’t matter.
Consider how much attention you give to other things outside your marriage e.g. work and measure the return. Are you happy with the current state of your marriage? Are you outing in the work to change things?
I often tell couples – marriage is a partnership between two people. This means, each person must be committed to playing their own part in making it work. It is important that as a couple, you’re both invested in your individual and collective growth.
In essence, prioritizing your marriage is making a decision to invest time, energy, and attention into its growth and development. If you are reading this and you think your marriage needs some work, join The 30-Day Couples Reconnecting Challenge. Your marriage will not change until you start to consciously invest actions that will make it change.
In Summary
These reminders are pointers to always prioritize the health of your marriage over your personal ego. While challenges may arise, the choice to remain in love lies in both your hands and how much you are willing to put in the work
Join my 30-days couples reconnecting challenge and let’s put in some work to create the marriage of your dreams.
