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4 Blunt Truths About Marriage You Need to Know!

Written by: Ruth Esumeh
4 Blunt Reminders About Marriage

In my years of counselling couples, I have come across different aspects of marriages that many people do not often talk about.

I will call these “truths” about marriages I’m about to share “Blunt Reminders”.

Now, some of these may not resonate with you, yet, however, as you progress in your marriage journey and reflect on each of these truths, you will understand why they are so vital to the success of any marriage 

Ready to go for a ride? Here are 4 blunt truths about marriage most people won’t tell you

1. Your Spouse is The One

After you get married, your spouse is the one. Stop looking for what you don’t have and start nurturing what you have.

Before marriage, there’s a tendency to fantasize about your ideal potential partner. Nice voice, great build, pretty face, always understanding and the list goes on. However, marriage has a way of revealing strengths and weaknesses of partners.

In other words, no one is 100% perfect – not you or your partner.

The key to having a healthy marriage is knowing that every relationship lies in accepting who you have chosen and making what you have chosen work for you.

The partner you’re looking for is right with you, not outside of your marriage. A popular Nigerian adage says, “Stop looking for what is in your Ṣò-kò-tò (trousers) in Sokoto.”

Loosely translates, it means, the grass is greener where you water it, not where you admire it. Your partner is only as good as you want them to be when you nurture what you have. 

The person you are eyeing outside your marriage or wishing your partner could be like also has their flaws. So I say, your spouse is the One! Water your own garden and watch it blossom

2. Your Spouse Will Not Love You the Way You Are

If you’re rude, mean, hot-tempered and an unfriendly spouse, your spouse will only love you from afar with the love of God. They will not want to be around you. Nobody wants to be around this kind of person. You have to work on yourself to become a better YOU and a better SPOUSE.

If you are not a safe place for your spouse, they will not love you the way you are. Have you ever been around people who seem to have an issue with everything? Or when they just walk in and the mood just instantly changes for the worse?

As a person and a partner, you must be self-aware enough to recognise your negative habits and behaviours that need to change so you can be a safe environment for your spouse to thrive in. No one functions or interacts best in a mean, negative environment. While your spouse should accept you, they should not accept your toxic behaviours. 

For example, a disrespectful attitude takes off the foundation of respect and trust making it difficult for you and your spouse to build a healthy connection.

The first step to change like I said earlier is to recognize that you have a negative character that isn’t doing any good to your marriage and start to work actively towards becoming better. We all have to grow from our negative habits in order to build a successful relationship. If you need help, seek counselling/therapy to help you work through growth and healing.

3. Marriage Exposes All Hidden Traumas

Marriage will expose all your traumas, triggers, and insecurities. You will need to consciously face them and start to confront and heal. Always blaming your partner for your actions will not make you or the marriage better. Truth is, no one can bring out something in you that’s not already there.

A healthy marriage requires a deep level of self-awareness and vulnerability – a situation where there is no holding back between you and your spouse. While this is great, on the flip side, it can expose underlying emotional wounds that you may have been covering up.

As a spouse, you must be willing to share your innermost thoughts, feelings and fears with each other. When suppressed wounds are brought to the surface, it can sometimes cause conflicts, misunderstandings or emotional distress.

The funny thing is, sometimes, you unconsciously project these unresolved traumas onto your partner without knowing. For example, if as a child, you were constantly shut down when you had an opinion, you may be quick to defend yourself in conversing with your spouse

Rather than run from the past or blame your partner for an issue that stems from an underlying trauma, it is important to face and address these issues either as a couple or individually, if you’re not comfortable sharing that part of you. You may need to get individual therapy to help you uncover and unravel these traumas and work towards healing. The benefit of addressing this part of you can also lead to a more fulfilling relationship.

4. A great marriage is built, it’s not magically found

If you don’t prioritize your marriage, your marriage is not going to get better. Whatever you prioritize and give time and effort to will eventually become better. Giving your marriage scraps of you every day will leave your marriage feeling like scrap.

Time and energy are resources you do not have in plenty. When I say prioritize your marriage, I mean you must dedicate sufficient energy and attention to it. You must carefully build the kind of marriage you desire.

Relationships, like individuals, require nurturing to grow and thrive. If you neglect it, it doesn’t automatically get better.

Neglect, not paying attention to your partner, unmet needs and expectations are all negative feelings that can arise from treating your marriage like it doesn’t matter.

Consider how much attention you give to other things outside your marriage e.g. work and measure the return. Are you happy with the current state of your marriage? Are you outing in the work to change things?

I often tell couples – marriage is a partnership between two people. This means, each person must be committed to playing their own part in making it work. It is important that as a couple, you’re both invested in your individual and collective growth.

In essence, prioritizing your marriage is making a decision to invest time, energy, and attention into its growth and development. If you are reading this and you think your marriage needs some work, join The 30-Day Couples Reconnecting Challenge. Your marriage will not change until you start to consciously invest actions that will make it change.  

In Summary

These reminders are pointers to always prioritize the health of your marriage over your personal ego. While challenges may arise, the choice to remain in love lies in both your hands and how much you are willing to put in the work 

Join my 30-days couples reconnecting challenge and let’s put in some work to create the marriage of your dreams. 

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Ruth Esumeh

Ruth Esumeh is the founder of Ruth’s Marriage, a marriage counseling and relationship coaching company. She is a Certified Marriage Counselor and Therapist helping couples enjoy marriage, God’s way! Follow Ruth on all social media platforms.

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Confidentiality Policy

1. Introduction

At Ruth’s Marriage, we are committed to providing a safe and confidential environment for our clients. This confidentiality policy outlines how we handle your personal information and the limits to confidentiality that may apply during the course of marriage counseling sessions.

2. Confidentiality Assurance

2.1 Client-Counselor Privilege: All information shared during marriage counseling sessions is confidential. This means that your counselor will not disclose any information without your explicit written consent, except as required by law or ethical standards (see section 3).

2.3 Protection of Records: Client records, including session notes, assessments, and any other documentation, will be securely stored and only accessible to authorized personnel as outlined in section 4.

3. Limits to Confidentiality

3.1 Domestic Abuse or Physical Abuse: If there is reasonable report of
physical abuse, we are legally obligated to inform the victim to report this to the appropriate authorities.

3.2 Threats of Harm: If you pose a serious threat of harm to yourself or others, we may need to take steps to ensure safety, which may include disclosing relevant information to appropriate parties, such as law enforcement or medical professionals.

3.3 Court Orders: If a court orders the release of your counseling records, we may be required to comply with such an order.

3.4 Supervision and Consultation: Your counselor may consult with other mental health professionals for supervision and training purposes. In such cases, your identity will be kept confidential.

4. Access to Client Information

4.1 Authorized Personnel: Only authorized personnel, including your
counselor, and administrative staff, of Ruth’s Marriage will have access
to your information.

4.2 Security Measures: We take all reasonable measures to protect your
personal information, both in paper and electronic formats, from unauthorized access, disclosure, or alteration.

5. Client Consent

Before any disclosure beyond the limits outlined in this policy is made, we will seek your explicit written consent, explaining the purpose and recipients of the information to be disclosed.

6. Record Retention

Client records will be retained for a period determined by applicable laws and ethical standards. After the retention period expires, records will be securely destroyed.

7. Questions and Concerns

If you have any questions or concerns about our confidentiality policy, please feel free to discuss them with your counselor or write us at ruthsmarriage:gmail.com

8. Policy Updates

We may update this confidentiality policy from time to time to reflect changes in laws, regulations, or our counseling practices. You will be notified of any significant changes.

Cancellation Policy

$50 fee (converted to your currency rate at the point of payment)
CANCELLATIONS AND MISSED APPOINTMENTS

The client is expected to arrive on time for each booked session. A cancelled or postponed appointment slows down our work and might have a negative influence on other clients. Because your appointments include the reserve of time expressly for you, and out of mutual respect for each other and our other clients, postponing or cancelling an appointment requires a minimum of 24 hours’ notice in advance.

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED

This means if your appointment is supposed to be 9am on Wednesday and you wish to cancel, we expect to have received your email by 9am on Tuesday, then we can waive the cancellation fee. If we receive your cancellation later than that, then you will be charged the cancellation fee to have another appointment. Note that if your appointment is on a Monday, the cancellation needs to be provided no later than the prior Friday, by your appointment time, to be considered proper 24-hour notice.

If you can, we would appreciate more than 24-hour notice so that we can make that time available to other clients.

As a result, if you find out before the mandatory 24-hour notice that you will be unable to attend our session, please send an email so that we can fill your slot and place another client in your space who may require it. Counseling appointments are designated exclusively for our clients and are booked in advance. We are unable to cover this time slot by providing it to another client when a session is canceled without adequate notice. The email to send a cancellation notification to is ruthsmarriage@gmail.com

WHEN THE NO-SHOW/LATE CANCEL FEE IS WAIVED

This cancellation policy is only waived in the event of a serious sickness or emergency. Car accidents, family deaths, and severe illness are all examples of emergencies. In this case, if you are not physically able to cancel your appointment, you can get someone to write us an email on your behalf. Our cancellation policy applies even if the missed appointment was unintended. Work-related issues are not emergencies.

Late Cancellation Fees Process: Any session missed due to a cancellation less than 24 hours in advance will be assessed at $50/standard fee. You will be charged even if the cancellation was due to work or if you rescheduled the appointment without adequate notice. We will send you a payment link immediately to pay the cancellation fee before you can have another appointment or continue your sessions.

WAIT TIME GRACE PERIOD

Your wait time is kept to a minimum. Due to the length of time provided for each appointment, it is critical that you arrive on time for your appointments. If you are more than 10 minutes late to your appointment, we will have no choice but to reschedule your appointment and you will be responsible for the $50 fee of a no show. To avoid paying no show fees, we require at least twenty-four (24) hours’ notice for all cancellations (as described above). Both counselor and client have a grace period of 10 minutes.

RECURRING SESSIONS: CANCELLATION FEE PAYMENT ENFORCEMENT

For recurring therapy/counselling sessions, when you miss a session without adequate notice, you will pay the cancellation fee of $50 for that session, before another session. The same standard above applies for each session.

Ruth’s Marriage Counselling Services sends automated email reminders of forthcoming appointments as a courtesy. Whether or not you receive the text or email reminder, it is your sole duty to keep track of and attend any planned appointments/sessions on time. If your phone number or email address changes, please notify us via email.

We appreciate your understanding and our policy is hinged on the fact that a late cancel or no-show hurts at least three people: you, the counsellor, and another client who could have potentially utilized your time slot

THANK YOU

We value you and are committed to your journey, however, we can only accomplish this with your understanding of the obligations set forth in this policy. Time is of the essence in our practice and we encourage good use of time to accommodate more clients who need help. Thank you

Making a booking means you have accepted the terms guiding our Cancellation Policy.

I agree to the Confidentiality Policy and Cancellation Policy.

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