Inside this Article
For the longest, people have always asked me, “Coach, how did you do it? How did you make your marriage work?”
While I have tried to answer on the spot, I have decided to compile a few lessons from my marriage we can all learn from. These are practical experiences that have worked for me–and countless couples I have worked with in One-on-One Individual Sessions or Couples Sessions.
Most of these points require effort. It is not enough that you wish to build the marriage of your dreams. You must work for it.
Here are 4 lessons from our marriage you can learn from.
1. Be Proactive, Not Reactive
Instead of waiting, we started creating e.g., If I wanted a hug, I went ahead to ask or give a hug. Your needs in the marriage are different and while we want our spouses to meet those needs, they may not need it in the exact moment we do. Waiting leads to frustration. Instead, create!
Most couples are fond of waiting for their partner to magically know what they need. Many times, we fall into the trap of believing that if our partner truly understands or loves us, they should know what we need.
I have a good mind to blame those telenovelas we watched while growing up. Many of us were raised with the idea that love is about knowing without saying, or that a “perfect” partner will automatically sense what we need at any given moment.
This unspoken expectation can set the foundation for frustration when your partner eventually doesn’t know what to do and your needs go unmet. Instead of expecting your partner to read your mind, it is important to know that everyone has different ways of perceiving and interpreting situations.
It takes being vulnerable to admit what we need from our partners. However, this doesn’t mean you are weak; it only shows you trust your partner. When you openly say, “I need a hug,” or “I’d love to spend some quality time together,” you’re creating a deeper emotional connection. Vulnerability invites openness from your partner and creates an environment where it’s safe to ask for support.
2. Sweeping Issues Under the Carpet
Fighting sucks, I know! But if something is a major issue, you must learn how to fight for a solution not against each other so you don’t build walls of resentment.
Conflict, in any relationship, is inevitable. You both are different people and so when you come together, your differences may clash. How you handle conflicts though, determines the long-term health of your relationship.
While fighting can feel draining or hurtful, you must note that it is, in itself, not bad. In fact, when approached with the right mindset, it can strengthen the bond in your relationship.
What’s the right mindset for viewing conflicts?
Instead of viewing conflict as something to avoid, see it as an opportunity to grow with your partner.
When issues arise, they are often a result of unmet needs or underlying frustrations that need to be addressed. Rather than see your spouse as an opponent, look at the conflict as an opportunity to better understand your partner.
In the heat of an argument, it is easy to lash out at your partner and focus on their flaws or mistakes. This is a destructive way to handle conflicts. Focus on the problem, not your partner.
This approach prevents the conversation from becoming about who’s “right” or “wrong” and keeps the focus on finding a solution together.
Statements like, “I feel hurt when this happens,” or “I’m frustrated because I don’t feel heard,” help keep the discussion on the issue rather than attacking your partner’s character.
3. Fixing the Other Person
As a marriage counsellor, part of my job is to fix people’s marriages so sometimes I forget my husband is not my client. We stopped trying to fix each other and focused on loving each other. Your spouse is not a project.
At some point in my marriage, I couldn’t distinguish between my career and my relationship. I treated my relationship with my spouse as one of my clients.
It took me a while to realize that the dynamics between me and my husband were different from the counsellor-client relationship.
In counseling, I was an expert at diagnosing problems, identifying patterns and suggesting improvements for couples. But in my marriage, I began to view my partner as a complete person with strengths, weaknesses, emotions and experiences–someone growing alongside with me, rather than a client to be improved or managed.
This was an immediate mindset shift. My partner wasn’t a case to be solved – and neither is yours.
When we unconsciously try to fix our partners, we often place ourselves in a position of control or superiority—deciding what needs to change or be corrected.
By focusing on love rather than fixing, you approach your partner with respect, equality, and empathy. Instead of trying to control their behaviour, you accept them for who they are and work together to build changes where necessary.
Now, what type of environment do you think this will create in your home?
4. Expecting Fantasy and Spontaneity
Truth is, marriage is real life! It is not a movie. Do you want something to work with the busyness of life? You must create a system that helps it work. We created some systems like scheduling sex days, having indoor intimate nights, etc. It became a routine and part of us. Don’t expect fantasy, create systems.
Again, I’m tempted to blame the countless romantic Korean movies on the false idea of romantic relationships we have today. Marriage is not a scripted movie filled with dramatic gestures, effortless romance, and perfectly timed moments.
My dear, it is hard work. It has its demands, responsibilities and occasional chaos that comes with it. Your marriage will require your time and intentional effort to make it work. You can’t fantasise yourself into a healthy relationship.
In the early stages of marriage, love often feels so easy. You just want them around and you are fuelled by passion. As life settles in– jobs, children, household responsibilities and other demands take over– it becomes harder to maintain that initial spark without effort.
This is where the myth of effortless romance can lead to disappointment. Many people enter marriage with the expectation that love and intimacy should always feel spontaneous and magical, like a scene from a movie (You know who I blame, again). When the daily grind sets in, it’s easy to feel disconnected or wonder if something is wrong with the relationship.
The reality is that healthy marriages thrive on intentional effort. Rather than waiting for the “perfect” romantic moments to magically appear, if you are in it for the long term, you must create those moments through planning, routine, and thoughtfulness.
Marriage isn’t about escaping into fantasy; it’s about crafting systems that support a real-life partnership.
Wrapping Up
Today, I’m living a fulfilled dream in my marriage because as a couple we made better choices together which made our relationship beautiful.
Your journey to that family you fantasize about begins with making an intentional effort as an individual and as a couple to work on your marriage- and one of those choices is to join my 30-Day Couples Reconnecting Challenge.
