Everyone wants a healthy marriage – a relationship where you and your spouse respect and understand each other. Usually, at the beginning of a relationship, the emotions are all high and lovey-dovey butterflies fill the air.
However, as you tend to spend more time with your spouse, these strong feelings may begin to give way as you start to see your spouse in their element. In this stage, it is common to see certain factors that begin to affect the relationship negatively.
In my years of counselling married couples, I have identified these common factors that can potentially destroy relationships if not addressed promptly.
What Are These Four (4) Things?
1. Pride/Ego Tussle
Waiting for who will apologize first, who will talk first, who will initiate connection first, who will get counselling first- You are a team and not opponents.
Waiting for your partner to take the first step to do the right thing in your relationship is not a productive approach. Truth is, placing expectations on others creates an environment of opposition rather than partnership.
The concept of marriage means two people – you and your partner – operate as a team. And how does a team operate?
If you’re familiar with team sports like basketball or football, you’ll understand that every player has a role. No player is more important than the other. Everyone works together as a team to get the ball from behind to score at the opponent’s goal.
A team operates on cooperation, mutual respect, and shared responsibility. Waiting for one partner to apologize first, initiate conversation, or seek counselling makes the relationship more competitive.
Instead, do what you know is right for the relationship, that way you focus on building a marriage that thrives on team – an environment where you are both equally responsible for the health of your marriage.
2. Complacency
Be comfortable but not complacent. Keep pursuing each other and striving to meet each other’s major needs. Remember you fell in love and got married because you prioritized each other.
Building a comfortable and familiar feeling with your partner is essential for a fulfilling marriage. However, when complacency sets in, it can lead to feelings of disconnection.
According to Merriam-Webster, to be complacent is to get an often-unjustified feeling of being pleased with oneself or with one’s situation. It is so easy to get to a place where you are both too comfortable and you no longer put in new effort.
Remember the spark you felt at the beginning of your relationship? It is expected that it should continue to burn bright.
To do this requires consistent effort from both of you. What reasons brought you together: mutual respect, shared values, and a deep emotional connection?
Like it was in the beginning, prioritizing your partner’s needs and happiness is fundamental to maintain a strong and enduring marriage. This would require you move from complacency to intentionality.
3. The Unending Fights
Constant fighting is a sign that there are underlying needs that are not being met. Communicate instead.
If you’re constantly arguing with your partner, it is time to do a relationship check. Often, persistent arguments signal deeper issues within your relationship.
Conflict is good. Constant conflict, on the other hand, can result from unmet emotional needs rather than just a surface-level clash of personalities. When you fail to effectively communicate your desires, frustrations, or expectations to your partner, tension builds. Before you know it, you find yourself expressing these unspoken needs through anger, resentment, or withdrawal.
Instead of engaging in destructive patterns of fighting constantly, resolve issues through open and honest communication.
It begins with creating a safe space where you can talk to your partner about how you feel without the feeling of being judged, ignored or taken for granted. If you are on the other side of the coin, practice actively listening to your partner while they talk.
It is also important to be willing to compromise especially if it’s a situation that affects the dynamics of your relationship. As a couple, focus on expressing your feelings, needs and concerns without blame or accusation.
My resource “The 3C Guide to Effective Communication” will teach you how to communicate effectively in your marriage.
4. Refusal to Change
Yes, your partner should not set out to change you but you must be self-aware enough to know your unproductive actions that need to change. Being able to change is maturity.
Yes, your partner should not set out to change you but you must be self-aware enough to know your unproductive actions that need to change. Being able to change is maturity.
A healthy relationship is often built on mutual respect and understanding. While it is essential for partners to support and encourage each other’s growth, if you’re attempting to totally change your partner to meet your inclinations, then you’re playing with marital dissatisfaction.
Rather than attempt to fundamentally change your partner, you should focus on developing yourself personally. A crucial step towards this is by recognizing your behaviours that are harmful to the health of your relationship and this requires self-reflection.
I saw a tweet on X that said, “We’re all adults and we all know what we are doing.” You know what actions you take that if roles were reversed, you’d feel bad.
It is this negative character that you should work on to become a better person and a better partner for your spouse. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
The beauty of self-development is, that when you and your partner are conscious about self-development, it shows in the health of your relationship.
If you have anger issues and work on them as a person, you are less likely to react angrily to your partner during conflict.
If you are one who doesn’t know how to communicate with people effectively and you work on yourself by reading books on building communication skills, you are more likely to create an environment where open communication is encouraged in your relationship.
In Summary
Marriage is a partnership, not a competition. In a partnership, you and your partner are working together to build a relationship that meets your desired goals.
Like in medicine, before beginning any treatment, you have to know the diagnosis from the symptoms. Now that we’ve identified 4 potential destroyers of marriages, you can work out solutions to either prevent or work on these issues as they relate to your marriage.
Do you want to actively work on your marriage to build a healthy relationship? Join The 30-Day Couples Reconnecting Challenge Here.
