As humans, we typically react to situations either logically or emotionally. Most of what we do is based on what and how we feel.
In marriage, feelings are essential – but they do not always represent the true value of things. While your feelings are valid, you cannot make permanent conclusions or decisions based on your feelings only.
What you feel may be unique to you and your partner may not fully understand them.
On the other hand, commitment means being willing to work through uncomfortable feelings for the sake of a larger, long-term goal: a healthy, enduring relationship. It’s about seeing tough moments as opportunities to learn and grow together, not as reasons to drift apart.
To grasp better what I’m talking about, I have given 4 scenarios that happen in marriages to show why you need to pick commitment over what/how you feel.
1. You had an argument that left you feeling disrespected
Feelings – My spouse is so disrespectful. I’m going to become withdrawn.
Commitment – I felt disrespected by my spouse during that argument. It doesn’t factually mean my spouse meant to disrespect me. We can talk about this argument and what I find disrespectful, so it stops, repairs and make-up because I’m committed to making this marriage work.
When you feel disrespected in an argument with your partner, it is normal for your emotions to quickly take over. It is easy to jump to conclusions like “my spouse is always disrespectful” or “they don’t care about me.”
These feelings can be valid in the moment, but they often the situation, turning it into something bigger than it is. Left unaddressed, it can linger on and cause cracks in your relationship.
In contrast, commitment allows you to see beyond the immediate emotional sting. When you’re committed, you pause and ask yourself, “Is this really who my spouse is, or is this a one-time event caused by misunderstanding or heightened emotions?”
Instead of withdrawing, you choose to communicate. You acknowledge your feelings, but what is driving you is a desire to improve the relationship rather than punish your partner or nurse a grudge.
2. You had a tough day at work and you are not in a good mood
Feelings – I don’t want to talk to anyone now including my spouse because I’m in a mood and no one should talk to me.
Commitment – I had a bad day today and I’m not in the friendliest of mood. However, my spouse is not meant to take the transfer of my aggression from my day. I will communicate how I feel about my day to my spouse and ask for their support. I am committed to investing positively in the marriage even if I don’t feel like it.
After a rough day at work, the natural response is to just lay back and not be ready to handle anybody’s conversations. You might feel irritable, overwhelmed, or just too drained to engage. In this state, it’s easy to shut down and think, “I don’t want to be around anyone, and my spouse should just understand.”
While it may feel justified to protect yourself, it can unintentionally create a distance with your spouse. Over time, your spouse may start to feel left out, wondering if they’ve done something wrong or why you’re pushing them away.
On the other hand, commitment reminds you that marriage is about being a partner, even when you’re not at your best. Instead of allowing a bad day to dictate your interactions, commitment encourages you to pause and consider your spouse’s role as a support system, not a punching bag for your frustrations.
By choosing to communicate—saying something like, “I’ve had a really tough day, and I’m feeling a bit on edge. I could use some time to unwind, or maybe just talk it out”—you’re sharing your experience in a way that invites your partner to connect with you, rather than shutting them out.
3. Your spouse did not respond when you sent them a text at work
Feelings – I feel unloved because my spouse did not respond to my text. I’m just going to conclude they don’t love me.
Commitment – I feel bad that my spouse did not respond to my text. Just because they did not respond this time doesn’t mean they don’t love me. My spouse has shown me love in other ways. I will not make this an issue. I will let my spouse know how it’s important to me for them to respond to when I send a text because it makes me feel loved.
It’s easy to let feelings of insecurity or neglect arise when your spouse doesn’t respond to a bid for connection eg a text message. You might start thinking, “If they really loved me, they’d make time to reply.”
This reaction, however, can lead to feelings of rejection or being unimportant, even when the lack of response may be due to something as simple as busyness or distraction. When these negative feelings go unchecked, they can lead to harmful conclusions like, “Maybe my spouse doesn’t care about me as much as I thought,” which can build up into resentment.
Instead of jumping to conclusions, commitment reminds you that just because your partner missed this one text does not erase all the love and care your spouse has shown in other ways.
Maybe they’ve been supportive in other areas of life, or perhaps they’ve consistently been responsive before this moment. Commitment helps you resist making sweeping judgments based on a single instance.
When you approach your concern as a request for connection rather than an accusation, you create an environment to understand your partner rather than form an issue.
4. You both had a conflict that lasted till the next day
Feelings – I feel angry and I’m not going to initiate a conversation this morning.
Commitment – I feel angry and I guess my spouse feels angry too. I’m going to initiate repair because I know my spouse is not a bad person.
After a fight that has gone on for a while, it’s completely normal to feel angry or resentful towards your partner. Emotions like these can lead you to think, “I’m not going to talk to my spouse today; I’m too upset,” or “They should come to me first.”
Now, imagine you and your partner are both thinking this way, waiting for the other to make the first move. If it is not addressed promptly, it will create a cycle of silence that can escalate to prolonged discomfort.
Commitment however says “This was just a conflict. I choose to initiate repair because I want to give us an opportunity to talk and resolve this conflict so we can get back to loving each other. I choose my commitment to the marriage over feelings.
Commitment shifts your focus from immediate feelings to the long-term health of the relationship. When you understand that your spouse is not a bad person and that conflicts are a part of any relationship, you create room for understanding.
By saying, “I’m feeling angry, but I want to talk about this,” you signal that you value the relationship more than temporary feelings. It also reinforces the idea that conflicts don’t define the relationship; they’re merely moments to navigate together.
Wrapping Up
Choosing commitment means actively improving the emotional bond between you and your partner. It sets a template for how both of you handle issues that may occur in the future and creates a way for healthier communication and conflict resolution strategies.
Ultimately, your choice to prioritize your relationship over how you feel can be the key to transforming your relationship goals into reality.
To learn more about building better emotional connections as a couple, get my 3C’s Guide to better communication and if you feel you and your spouse have been disconnected for a while and need some help, join the next 30-Days Couple Reconnecting Challenge.
